


Matchmaker

by LaufeyOfThay



Series: Thayvian Tales [11]
Category: Baldur's Gate
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24370369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaufeyOfThay/pseuds/LaufeyOfThay
Summary: Galen Odesseiron has found himself a new and terrifying hobby. Determined to make love sprout in the most unlikely of places, he will let nothing stand in his way. Fortunately young Edwin is equally determined to come to the rescue, with his own and highly unique brand of...help.
Series: Thayvian Tales [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1717807





	1. Chapter 1

Of all the possible ominous sentences spoken in the Odesseiron Household, there was one more feared than any other. This was something of an achievement, considering that other previous notable sentences included: 'Mind the new door-trap', 'Eat molten lava, you gibbering idiot!' and 'Has anybody seen my new pet cobra?' This particular sentence, however, was by far the most dreadful of them all. Just five innocent little words but taken together they spoke of impending doom. 

"I have a new hobby!" Galen Odesseiron said one morning at breakfast. The wizard's eyes glittered cheerfully beneath his shock of messy brown hair as he spoke these words, and he had a beaming smile on his face as he looked at his family, clearly expecting some form of eager response. The reactions of said family members were mixed, to say the least. 

Young Edwin Odesseiron stared at his father in mute horror. He hardly noticed that his spoon had dropped from his suddenly nerveless fingers into his bowl of oatmeal (the only thing he would currently agree to have for breakfast) and splattered both his face and the deep red tunic he was wearing. His father's hobbies were always suddenly and enthusiastically embraced. Maniacally, even. The last time it had been lion taming. Edwin still had persistent nightmares about giant cats chasing him down. Hardly daring to breathe, the small boy looked at his temperamental mother, hoping for a miracle to nip this new hobby in its bud. A miracle or a Fireball, either would do fine. 

Elvira Odesseiron very slowly and deliberately put her fork down. This might have misled a casual observer into thinking that she was calm and unruffled, and they would have been wrong. Very wrong, dangerously wrong. The wizardess' dark eyes were smouldering furiously in her lovely but intimidating face, and she tossed her raven tresses back across her shoulder in a gesture that clearly communicated her displeasure. "What idiocy are you contemplating this time?" she snapped. "I certainly hope it doesn't involve dangerous animals, I thought I made that clear after the business with the lions. Endanger your own life if you must, but not that of my baby, or I'll personally turn you into a toad and chop you up for spell components." 

"Motherrrr!" Edwin protested. "I'm not a baby! I'm almost seven." His parent's stern look immediately silenced him. 

"As I was saying", Elvira went on once she was satisfied that there would be no further objections, "I will not have my only child placed in danger." 

"Oh, no fear of that!" Galen said, oblivious to the dark look in his spouse's eyes. "This is perfectly safe."

"That is what you said about the knitting too, and look how that turned out. A knitted replica of a Cornugon chasing you around the Mansion, nearly managing to kill you." Elvira crossed her arms across her chest. "Well? What is this new hobby? We might as well get this over with." 

"In a moment", Galen cheerfully said. "I think Master Dekaras ought to be present for this. Where is he, by the way?"

"I think he's sleeping", Edwin piped up. "He was out working last night, and he told me there'd be no lessons until this afternoon."

"Oh. What a shame." A look of deep disappointment crossed Galen's amiable face, but then it brightened again as an ominously maniacal gleam leapt into his eyes. "But no harm done! I will simply send one of the servants to wake him up. I know he'll be thrilled to hear this." 

Even without knowing what 'this' was, Edwin seriously doubted that. The Odesseiron House Assassin and Tutor wasn't really a morning person under any circumstances. Having spent the entire night on an assignment was hardly likely to make him well disposed towards the person sent to rouse him from his lair, so to speak. Apparently, Edwin's mother had reached the same conclusion. "An exceedingly bad idea", Elvira said, glaring at her husband. "He needs his rest, and he won't be happy at all if you wake him up." 

"Nonsense! When he hears the news he'll be thrilled, I assure you." Galen rang for one of the servants and explained his wishes. The man looked rather terrified at the order. 

"S-sir?" the servant said in a tremulous voice. "You…you want me to…to go and wake **him** up? After he specifically said that he shouldn't be disturbed?"

"Certainly. Just pop in and shake him awake if he doesn't hear you knocking." 

The servant's face slowly turned an interesting shade of green. "Shake h-him awake…" He staggered out of the room, looking like a man on the way to his own execution. Edwin wouldn't have been at all surprised if such was in fact the case. His teacher could be very bad-tempered if disturbed, and he was always armed and dangerous.

Several long minutes passed, during which Edwin had to watch his mother glaring angrily at his father and wonder how long it was going to be before she erupted. "Father?" he said. "Can't you tell us at least a little of what this is all about? Please?" 

Galen Odesseiron shook his head playfully. "Patience, patience", he chirped. "It really is a most extraordinary and beneficial new hobby; I promise you that you will all feel marvel and ecstasy as soon as I do tell you." 

"Is that so, Master?" said a very cool voice from near the door. "Then please do go on. Ecstasy just might be an adequate alternative to the state of consciousness I would have preferred to remain in. Deep sleep, that is." Vadrak Dekaras, the Odesseiron House Assassin, and also young Edwin's personal tutor, was leaning nonchalantly against the door, and looking rather annoyed. As always, he had somehow managed to materialise inside the room without even the faintest of sounds to announce his entrance. A tall, lean man with a somewhat overly long nose, he was dressed entirely in black as was his custom, and it made him almost invisible in the shadows next to the door. His black hair did look a bit more dishevelled than usual, Edwin noticed, and some of it tumbled across his forehead as if he'd been in a hurry. He also looked rather paler than he usually did, and he had unhealthy-looking dark circles beneath his eyes. 

"No need to hurry on my account, Master", the assassin said in an acid tone of voice. "I'm sure you only wanted me to be a test subject in a study on how long human beings can be deprived of sleep before they snap and start to violently kill people." He paused. "Come to think of it, perhaps that particular criterion for lunacy isn't an ideal one in my case. Still, no need to worry about me. I've only been working for thirty hours straight, I'm sure I can manage a few more before I collapse, in case you want me to watch you do some snake-charming, chariot-riding, knife juggling or something equally amusing." 

Galen looked a little taken aback at this, but he immediately recovered. "No problem, old boy", he said. "This won't take long. Oh, by the way. Whatever happened to the fellow I sent to fetch you?"

Dekaras shrugged lazily. "It was the strangest thing", he said. "I was awakened by a loud 'thump' outside my door. Thinking I might be under attack I hurried to investigate but found only an unconscious man lying on the floor. I think he must have fainted before he had the time to knock." 

"What did you do to him?"

"Me? Nothing whatsoever, Master. I merely tried to wake him up, thinking he might be ill." The assassin frowned slightly, looking a little frustrated. "Except every time I managed to wake him up, he immediately fainted again. I cannot think why."

"I think", Edwin's Mother offered, "that it may have had something to do with the thing you're currently holding in your hand." 

Dekaras looked down at the dagger he was slowly twirling between his fingers as if he were seeing it for the first time. It was a slim blade and a uniform black so that no light would glint off of it and betray his presence. It was also very sharp. "Ah", the assassin said and with a flick of the wrist he made the dagger disappear into one of the various sheaths and compartments secreted about his person. "Thank you, Mistress. I had forgotten about that. Yes, I suppose that might have been a little unsettling to see upon waking from a swoon, but you will have to remember that I was half asleep myself. Now, what can I do for you?"

"Right!" Galen Odesseiron exclaimed, his eyes twinkling. "My new hobby. You see, I read this marvellous book the other day, about a man who devoted his entire life and career to making people happy, and it came to me that that was something I would be ideally suited for." 

"Perhaps", Elvira said with a small smile, "but do you really want to be a jester, husband? It might suit your temperament, but if your audience didn't appreciate your jokes it could get really dangerous." 

"No, no, my dove. Not a jester. A match-maker."

"A…a what?"

"A match-maker. You know. A person who arranges marriages, matching the right boy up with the right girl, making them both incredibly happy in the process. A servant of the Sacred Marriage, a rescuer of lonely hearts!" 

"I know what a match-maker is!" Edwin's Mother snapped. "And I don't need one. I'm already married, much as I try to forget about it." 

"Not you, dearest", Galen said, now so excited that he practically danced around the room. "Not you." His prancing brought him to a halt in front of the watching assassin, and there he stopped. "You, my dear fellow, are about to become blissfully happy! Since I think it's long past time you got as happily married as I am, you'll have the honour of being my first case. No need to worry, I'll make sure you find the girl of your dreams and become properly settled down." 

There was silence. Long, ominous, drawn-out silence, during which the temperature of the room seemed to drop towards freezing point. Dekaras said nothing, and his sharp-featured face had gone quite emotionless, something that Edwin knew was a very bad sign. That's it, the boy thought. Father's really done it this time. He's so dead. That thought didn't bother him as much as it might have, rather he watched the unfolding scene with a sort of sick fascination, knowing that his teacher was bound to let loose with at least some truly biting sarcasm any moment, if not a poisoned blade. 

However, before anything like that happened Elvira Odesseiron rose from her chair, seemingly twice her normal height as she loomed over her husband like an approaching thunderstorm, her face twisted into a mask of fury. "How dare you!" she hissed. "How dare you presume to make decisions like that before consulting me first! You know perfectly well that you are to make no decisions about members of staff without my agreement, and that is especially true of our most valued one. You have no right to order him about without my permission, and you know it." 

"But…" Galen stammered, quivering like a jellyfish before his wife's wrath. "I was only…"

"No buts! You were undermining my authority, and…" 

Dekaras cleared his throat at this point, and Edwin's heart sank as he saw the expression on his teacher's face. Quiet rage only barely kept in check. "Pardon me, Master", he said, his smooth voice dripping sarcasm with every word. "Mistress. Forgive me for interrupting while you are trying to reach a joint decision on how to arrange my life. I thought you might have forgotten that I was still in the room, or that I am usually capable of independent thought. Perhaps you wish me to remove myself from the premises, so you can plan my future without my unwanted interference?" Edwin was stunned to see his Mother actually looking chagrined at this. "Please allow me to point out", the assassin went on, "that despite having pretended it occasionally, I am not your slave, and that neither of you have any right to make decisions concerning my personal affairs without consulting me. I tend to dislike that sort of thing." He made a cursory bow. "Pray excuse me. I am, as I said, in sore need of rest. I shall leave you to rant in peace. Do let me know before you marry me off to somebody, I should very much like to be kept informed of such trifling little details." With that he stalked out the door, and while he didn't exactly slam it shut behind him, he made a point of closing it very carefully, in such a way as to imply that slamming was the first thing on his mind. 

"Oh dear", Galen Odesseiron said in a tremulous voice. "That didn't go very well, did it?" Then his face immediately brightened again. "Still, I'm sure he'll come around. I've got it all worked out already…" 

Late that same evening, Elvira Odesseiron was in her private chambers, fretting. She'd been doing so all day, ever since the unfortunate incident at breakfast, and it was only getting worse. Several broken ornaments on the floor were the unfortunate victims of her latest fit of temper, as she'd reviewed her actions once again and found them lacking. _I was a fool_ , she told herself, not for the first time. _I know how independent my beloved Wolf is, and how strongly he feels about other people interfering with him or going above his head. No wonder he got upset with me. But I just got so angry! I didn't think._ She looked at herself in the mirror. Her creamy white nightgown was soft and made up of several diaphanous layers, like drifting mist. It set off her midnight black hair and dark eyes very nicely, she thought. _Now let's just hope he's not feeling too hurt to show up…_

The wizardess crossed the room to the window, making certain the curtains were tightly drawn, and all the silencing wards well in place. It wouldn't do to have anybody eavesdropping. Since being tricked into an arranged marriage by Galen's old father, she had grown very adept at thinking of such things. It was, after all, the one way she could continue to be near her beloved. _And I would not be without him for anything in the world._ Elvira sighed a little, feeling unusually pensive. "Oooh!" she exclaimed; her voice filled with annoyance. "Why doesn't he hurry up and get here!"

And then she suddenly felt an arm sneak around her waist and hot breath against her throat. "But he is here", her beloved whispered into her ear, in that voice that always sent delightful shivers down her back. Almost a low purr, it was. "Am I to presume that you are anxious for my company, Mistress?" 

Elvira twisted around in his arms, looking into the face that was almost as familiar to her as her own. His body was pressing hard against her own, making it very difficult for her to concentrate. "Perhaps…" she said, trying to keep her voice calm. He didn't seem angry with her any longer, at least. He was smiling faintly at her, and there was a deep hunger in his black eyes as he looked into hers. All her resolve to be imperious and resolute melted away before that look. "I…think I spoke in haste before", she murmured, running her hand along his neck and feeling a heady thrill as he trembled slightly at her touch. "Though I meant no harm, I should not have spoken as if your wishes didn't matter. Will you forgive me, my Wolf?" 

"Oh, I think I might be able to bring myself to do that", the assassin said, his voice unusually strained as he brought his face closer to hers. "Assuming you make an appropriate peace offering, of course…"

On the following morning, Edwin was sitting in the schoolroom, feeling quite miserable. Not because of the lesson as such, but because of the insistent thoughts that kept nagging at him and wouldn't let go. He kept staring at the motes of dust swirling in a sunbeam, hardly seeing them at all. _I can't believe Father would do a thing like this. It's unnaturally stupid, even for him. Suppose that Teacher Dekaras does like one of those girls? Suppose he does want to marry one of them? No, he can't! But suppose he does?_

"…and that is one of their most basic traits.", Dekaras said, turning to his pupil. "Any questions?"

Edwin desperately tried to remember what the lesson was supposed to be about. He had no idea whatsoever. Have to try to fake it then. "Um…no sir." 

"Really", the assassin said, an ominous glint in his eyes. "Then perhaps you won't mind repeating my last sentence back to me." 

Edwin squirmed. "Er…I…don't know…"

"Obviously not. Which is passing strange, considering that I just spent twenty minutes describing the nature of the Red Dragon, and how one of their fundamental traits is their complete self-absorption and unwillingness to pay attention to others, even to the point where it makes them vulnerable. If I didn't know better I'd swear you were at least half dragon. Now, care to tell me the reason for this daydreaming? I know dragons are your favourite monsters, I thought you'd be interested." 

To his horror Edwin felt his eyes rapidly filling with tears. _If he gets married, then he'll go away, and he'll live somewhere else. And he'll have children of his own, and he won't ever come to see me again forever and ever. He can't do that! Father…father doesn't know what my favourite monster is. Or anything else._ "Y-you can't get married!" Edwin wailed. "Please say you won't. Please! Please don't go away!" 

Dekaras blinked, and for a second he looked almost startled at this sudden outburst. Then he crossed the floor and knelt by the sobbing child, putting an arm about his shoulders. "Now don't be ridiculous, boy", he said, very kindly. "You should know better than to think I am about to run out on you. I'm afraid you're very much stuck with me, since I have no intention whatsoever of entering into the state of matrimony, at least not with any woman picked out by Master Galen."

"R-really?"

"Yes. Really." The assassin deftly produced a large square of black cloth. "Now blow your nose and try not to worry. I'm not going anywhere." 

Dekaras had sounded and indeed had been perfectly sincere when he said that. However, later that day he fervently wished that he had been going somewhere. He didn’t really care much about where exactly, as long as it was far, far away from the Odesseiron Mansion and equally far away from Galen Odesseiron. The jungles of Chult sounded like a nice option, there were plenty of rare poisons to be studied there and it would have been very difficult to find him. Currently Galen was clutching his arm tightly, probably to prevent him from suddenly bolting, and was more or less dragging him along one of the corridors of the mansion towards Impending Doom. Or to put it more accurately, a first meeting with the Eligible Bachelorettes as Dekaras had privately named them, but it amounted to much the same thing. 

_I can do this_ , the assassin thought. _Of course I can. I kill people on a regular basis; I’ve survived torture, deprivation and almost certain death. I can certainly deal with this. How bad can it be?_

Unfortunately, that didn’t make the prospect of the upcoming next few days any more pleasant. It wasn’t that he didn’t know how to talk with people, normally. It was just that he preferred choosing whom he socialized with. Then they were suddenly inside the Yellow Parlor, where Dekaras found himself staring at what seemed to be a veritable sea of female faces. _I was wrong, it seems. It can be really bad, as bad as my worst fears._

“And here he is!” Galen Odesseiron merrily chirped. “Give him a big hand, ladies!” 

The women all clapped, more or less enthusiastically, their eyes very keen and bright, and carefully appraising. _No, hold on. It’s even worse than my worst fears_. Fervently hoping that he would suddenly wake up to learn it had all been a bad dream, the assassin got the highly uncomfortable feeling that he was a piece of meat and that the women were trying to decide how to chop him up and just who would get the largest piece. It wasn’t very pleasant. Making an active effort to count them he was surprised to learn that there were no more than five. Strange. He could have sworn that there were at least fifty. 

“Good day, ladies,” Dekaras managed. “It is…such a rare pleasure to meet you all.” That seemed to mostly satisfy them at least. He was a bit alarmed to see that one of them winked at him though.

“Oh good!” Galen said with a bright smile. “I can see you’re all going to get along famously. Really, this is much easier than I had thought. And now, let’s all have a nice cup of tea, and do some formal introductions!” 

Tea wasn’t exactly what Dekaras found himself wishing for next, as the door on the other side of the room swung open and Elvira Odesseiron walked inside, leading her son by the hand. The assassin hardly ever got drunk. The times he had done so could be counted on one hand, but in that moment he found himself wishing for the opportunity to quietly slip into oblivion rather than having to deal with this added complication. 

“Hello, dear,” Elvira told her husband. There was a hard edge to her charming smile. “I just thought I’d sit in on this little gathering, to make sure that everything is done **properly**.” She then bent to whisper something into Edwin’s ear. 

“Of course, old girl,” Galen said, beaming at her. “I’m sure all our guests can use a little womanly support.” 

Dekaras managed to keep his face under control at that, but it took some effort. Though he loved the raven-haired wizardess with all his heart he also knew her. If she thought that one of the Bachelorettes was showing too much interest in him or vice versa, then he wouldn’t put it past her to give the girl the full ‘support’ of a Fireball in the face, no matter her intentions to play the polite hostess. 

“Well, I think it’s time you all got to know each other a little better,” Galen went on. “Of course, I have already given you some information about our Hero of the hour…” Here he nudged Dekaras in the side with a proud smile, and the assassin had to resist a powerful urge to hit him. “But now,” Galen said, “I think you ladies should all start taking turns and introduce yourselves.” He laughed, a horrible braying laugh. “Don’t fight now, hear?” 

The first girl to come over was a pale, ethereal little thing, with soft ringlets of dark-blonde hair, and large and moist brown eyes that reminded Dekaras of a grazing cow. Not only because of the color, but because the complete lack of anything resembling higher mental functions behind them. Galen introduced her as Lady Clara Astarvad, the daughter of a minor nobleman. “This is so exciting!” Lady Clara said in a tiny, baby-like and slightly breathless voice that made Dekaras wince inwardly. “I have heard ever so much about you!” 

“Is that so, my lady?” the assassin said. “And what things would you have heard?”

The girl giggled and fanned herself with an enormous baby-blue fan that matched her lacy dress perfectly. “Oh, mostly good things. Of course, I am but a weak and silly woman, and so many things of the world of men are beyond me, but it sounded ever so exciting.”

“Really.” 

“Oh yes!” Those eyes suddenly seemed to double in size. “And romantic. I so look forward to hear you tell me more about it.” 

Dekaras wondered what exactly he was supposed to tell her about. Surely not his latest assignment? She didn’t look like the type. Then again, you never knew. There had been that vicious Loviatar-worshipping elf after all. She hadn’t looked very dangerous either. Before he had the time to ask though, he felt a small hand tugging at his own and looked down to see Edwin beside him. The boy was glaring quite viciously at Lady Clara as he clutched his teacher’s hand. 

“Ooooh!” the girl cooed. “What a cute little boy!” She reached out with a dainty finger to pinch the child’s cheek, and then she shied back with a small shriek of terror as Edwin snapped after her. 

“My apologies, dear Lady Clara,” Elvira said from her place on the couch on the other side of the room. She was sitting with her back very straight and she was smiling serenely. “He can be a little impulsive at times, I’ll make sure to have a word with him later. Perhaps you ought to go and lie down for a bit to calm yourself.” 

“Y-y-yes…perhaps…” Lady Clara whispered and staggered away, accompanied by quiet laughter from the remaining for women. Dekaras gave Edwin a penetrating look. 

“I’m not cute,” the boy said, looking very stubborn. “I’m a Great Wizard, and very intim…inmitti…imid…intimid…scary. Just like you.” 

“I think the lady got the point,” the assassin said in a dry voice. “Just try to restrain yourself from now on, we don’t need any family feuds on our hands.” 

“Yes sir!” Edwin said with a bright smile. He then looked rather suspicious at the amused faces of the remaining women, and he gripped Dekaras’ hand even tighter than before. Out of the corner of his eye the assassin could see Elvira’s look of approval. He had his suspicions about exactly what sort of instructions she had given the boy. 

The second woman’s name was Aurelia Moonstar, and she made an interesting contrast to Clara. It was with a slight feeling of alarm that Dekaras noted that she was a head taller than he was, and wider across the shoulders. From the look of her handsome but broad face and the way her incisors jutted out, it looked as if she was at least part ogre. She was wearing the red-and-black uniform of the Tharchion’s personal guard, and she carried a very large double-bladed axe. 

“Know what you’re thinking about the name,” she gruffly said. “My mother was a druid, that’s why. So, are you any good?”

“Good at what, exactly?” Dekaras asked, hoping he wouldn’t regret the question. 

“You know,” the woman said with a horrible leer. “Dancing?”

“Dancing?”

“Yeah…special dancing.” Now she was winking at him. “How about I hit you on the head with a club and we go find out? I promise I’ll be gentle. Mostly.” 

Dekaras stared up at Aurelia’s still smiling face. Usually he never thought about the fact that he tended to be taller than the people around him. It was just the way things were. Right now though, he was uncomfortably aware that the height difference was to her advantage. _She must be joking…I hope she is_. “Aren’t we jumping ahead just a little bit here?” he asked, putting more than a little edge into his voice. “My courtship skills may be woefully rusty, but I think you’re expected to bring me flowers first at the very least. I wouldn’t want to get a bad reputation.” From across the room he could make out the frigid rigidity of Elvira’s smile. _Perhaps I can sneak out of the house tonight and stay away until this madness has run its course._

Edwin was giving the guardswoman a very dark look. “I don’t like you,” he said. “You’re mean and your breath smells like rotting meat and dog-poo. And if you try to hurt him I’ll put a terrible curse on you, you’ll see.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Dekaras calmly told him. “Because if she tries to hit me over the head I’ll make certain that she becomes dead meat.” 

“Hah!” Aurelia said. “I like a man with attitude. I’m sure we’ll get along just fine.” She returned to her seat, still chuckling to herself. 

Bachelorette Number Three was called Lady Tarantella Mortegrava, and at first Dekaras hoped she would turn out to be reasonably normal. Her size was ordinary, and she wore no revolting pastels. In fact, she wore a completely pitch-black dress. That seemed promising enough. At least she appeared to have some taste. Then he noticed that her hair had been dyed black. And then he noticed the bony white powder, not to mention the black lipstick and the heavy layers of black makeup around her eyes. And it looked as if her teeth had actually been filed so they would appear pointy. “Greetings, Oh Brother in Death!” she sighed. “May our relationship be a long and fruitful one, with the granting of gifts on both sides.” She turned her head a little, and almost seemed to be pushing her throat out in his direction. 

_What is she doing? She must be insane_. “Brother, is it?” Dekaras said. “In that case I’m afraid I must warn you that I’m not all that fond of my relatives. We have a sort of hate-hate relationship, actually.” 

Lady Tarantella looked a little taken aback at that, but she rallied. “I shall look forward to speaking with you, nevertheless,” she whispered. “The secrets of the grave are many, are they not? Many…and deadly.”

“I know a secret too,” Edwin said in a voice that sounded altogether much too innocent. “You have very large and hairy nostrils, and there’s something disgusting stuck in the left one. I think it is snot. Or is it your brain?”

Lady Tarantella gasped with surprise and annoyance, and her hand flew involuntarily to her face. “I think,” she told Dekaras, “we had better continue this discussion later. Alone.” 

The assassin bowed briefly, and as he raised his head again he caught Elvira’s eyes across the room. The wizardess was smiling, and then she gave her son an idle look. “Edwin dear,” she said. “Remember what I’ve told you about proper behavior.” 

Edwin nodded. “Yes, Mother” he said. “I’m sorry if I was misbehaving.” 

_So that’s how it is_ , Dekaras thought, starting to feel very annoyed. _She doesn’t trust me to handle this on my own, and even worse, she apparently thinks I might actually become infatuated with one of these ridiculous women. She should damn well know better. And using our son to keep watch on me, that’s really low. He shouldn’t have to get involved with these things. Serve her right if she’s jealous._ With that he decided to be as polite as he could with the last two women, if only to irritate his lover a little. 

Dekaras made sure to give the fourth woman a pleasant smile, and purposefully ignored the dark looks Elvira was sending his way. Lady number four looked very normal compared to the previous ones. Neat and straight blond hair, calm hazel eyes, and a green dress that was elegant but not flashy. She seemed refreshingly free of soppy or psychotic behavior as well. “How do you do?” she said in a quiet voice, fingering the wide pearl collier around her throat. “My name is Ylva Grauben. Lady Ylva, I suppose, though we’re not big on formalities.” She shrugged. “You’ve probably never heard of us. We’re a fairly big family, but not that well known or powerful, and we have a small country estate. The surrounding lands are lovely though, we have one of the few real forests of Thay.”

”Is that so?” Dekaras asked. “Would that make a grand total of a dozen trees then? I believe that is the Thayvian requirement for being called a forest.” 

Lady Ylva laughed quietly. “How true,” she said. “But no, in our case it actually is a forest. The Wood it is called, very imaginatively. Still, I am fond of it. Do you like the forest?”

“I do,” the assassin said, “though I rarely get the chance to indulge. What does your family do?”

“Oh, we mostly keep to ourselves. We have our own ways out in the countryside you know. Mostly we keep busy managing the estate, terrorizing the peasants, that sort of thing.” She laughed again. “No, the last was a lie. We’re terribly inbred as so many nobles; we don’t really have the energy to terrorize anybody. That’s why my father thought it might be a good idea for me to come to the city. You know…ensnare some poor man and drag him into the middle of nowhere to be my mate. Revitalize the clan a little. I thought it would only be fair to warn you in advance, though of course we have to get to know each other better first.” 

“Of course. It would be very inappropriate for you to drag me off somewhere without the proper preliminaries.” Dekaras privately decided that he rather liked this woman. At least she had a sense of humor, and she seemed sane enough. Not that there would ever be anything other than polite conversation between them of course, but that was good enough. He gave Edwin a warning nudge as he saw the child open his mouth, no doubt to make another scathing comment and the boy settled down, though he was still watching Lady Ylva with a rather sullen look in his dark eyes. _He really is far too much like me for his own good, and with his mother’s temper that makes for a dangerous combination…_

“Well, I mustn’t keep you too long,” the blonde woman said. “Still one to go, you know. I think you’ll like her.” Then she bent in towards the assassin and whispered very quietly into his ear. “By the way…I’m under a dark curse. Just thought you should know.” 

_Right_ , Dekaras thought with an inward sigh. _I suppose a semblance of normality was too much to hope for._

Only one Eligible Bachelorette to go now, and the fifth and final one was approaching even now. She was a fairly short girl, with auburn hair and an upwards-tilted nose, and a very confident way of walking. She had on an eye-watering purple dress, and a bright red scarf tied around her hair. “Hello,” she said. “I’d rather not be here, so let’s skip the pleasantries, all right?”

“The feeling is mutual, I’m sure,” the assassin politely told her. “And you are?”

“Laeyne. Laeyne Ravonar.”

”Ravonar.”

”Yup.”

“And are you by any chance related to…”

“Yup. He’s my uncle. Mother’s brother. She died, made me an orphan, and now I have to live with him.”

 _Well, I suppose I should have seen it coming_ , Dekaras thought. _Just to make things perfect I now have to deal with a niece of Rory Ravonar. Master Galen really outdid himself this time._

Rory ‘the Roarer’ Ravonar was a Red Wizard, and also happened to be something of an archenemy of the Odesseiron Family. They had clashed more than once over different matters, and Dekaras knew that the man wasn’t the forgiving sort. Rather, he was the ‘wait-for-an-unguarded-moment-then-backstab-you’ sort. Not too bad a sort, except for the fact that he was a personal enemy of course. Dekaras had no doubt whatsoever that ‘the Roarer’ had some sort of nefarious reason for inflicting this niece upon him. Whether the girl herself was in on it would remain to be seen. For the moment, she clearly thought she had said enough, and she stalked off, looking very haughty. _At least she has back-bone._

Once all the five ladies had left the room, silence reigned for all of five seconds. Then Galen Odesseiron laughed merrily, earning himself dark glares from the three remaining occupants of the room, a fact of which he remained blissfully unaware. “Well, well!” he said. “This certainly seems a very promising beginning.” He slapped Dekaras on the shoulder. “We’ll see you tie the knot yet, old boy! All those lovely ladies to choose from, if I wasn’t already happily married I’d probably get jealous.” 

“Indeed, Master,” the assassin said in a dry voice, removing the offending hand. “Which one would you judge the most tempting? The soppy ninny, the muscular violent one bent on assaulting and ravishing me, the insane one with the black lips, the one who claims to be cursed, or the niece of your worst enemy? With such a selection, I’m certain to need your expertise in order to make a proper choice.” 

“Always happy to help of course!” Galen chirped. “In fact, I’ve already planned something for the upcoming days. I thought you’d spend a day in the company of each girl, a romantic day orchestrated by myself according to the wishes of the lady in question, and then we’ll see what happens. Of course I’ll try to give you little nudges in the direction of True Love!” 

Dekaras sighed inwardly. As always, using sarcasm on Galen Odesseiron was much like trying to stab a feather pillow. The man simply didn’t get it, it was extremely frustrating.

“Galen Odesseiron!” Elvira snapped. “Have you lost what little sense you had to begin with? You invite Rory Ravonar’s niece into our home and involve her in this…this sordid little scheme of yours? Don’t you realize how dangerous that is?” 

“Oh, come now, dearest. She seems a sweet girl. I’m sure there will be no problems, and she can’t help who her uncle is.” Galen rubbed his hands maniacally. “Well, I’m off. I need to see that the girls’ guest rooms are satisfactory. I’ve planned it all, you see. There’ll be plenty of romance novels, soft light, chocolate…” The cheerful glint in his eyes turned even more crazed. “I’ll make sure to supply them all with some vigor potions as well, just in case. Wouldn’t do to disappoint the last one because the previous ones tired you out, eh? Eh?” He gave Dekaras a meaningful nudge, winking happily, and then bounced out of the room, whistling to himself. 

The assassin stared after him with an entirely expressionless look on his face, and only the baleful look in his black eyes indicated just what he thought Galen could do with those potions. Then he turned to Edwin. “Edwin,” he said in a neutral voice, “just what kind of instructions did your Mother give you?”

“Well…she…”

“I told him to cause as much trouble as possible,” Elvira defiantly stated. “I will not have these…these women…behaving as if they own my…” She faltered and gave her son a curiously hesitant look. “…my…house, I meant to say.”

“As I thought,” Dekaras silkily said, his eyes narrowing. “Being worried about your…possessions, is that it? So you do not trust me to take care of myself, my Mistress? Or to keep my word? How very disappointing.” With that he shook his head briefly, and then walked out of the room. 

“Thrice cursed fornicating slaadi,” Elvira Odesseiron muttered, clenching her fists. “That did not go too well…”


	2. Chapter 2

**Day One**

On the first of the Courting Days, Edwin woke up early. As he hurried to pull on his clothes, he could see that it was a sunny and beautiful day outside. Birds were singing in the garden, and there was a heady smell of sweet flowers in the warm air. "Drat," Edwin muttered to himself. "I so hoped it would rain." 

Edwin considered himself a Boy with a Mission, and he would have done so even without his mother's comments the day before. It wasn't that he didn't trust his teacher about not getting married, as far back as he could remember Dekaras had always kept his promises. But all the same, Edwin wasn't about to take any chances, and he was firmly determined that all hints of budding romance be squashed at once. _After all, some of them could be magic users, and then they could try to enchant him into liking them, and into wanting to do yucky kissing-stuff with them, and he wouldn't even know the difference. And I'm really sure I can help, Mother even said so. She told me to not leave Teacher Dekaras alone with those bad ladies, and I won't._

Nodding to himself, the small boy set course for his teacher's rooms, hoping to find the assassin still in bed. There was no answer to his knockings though, and eventually he had to give up. _Where could he be though? He's usually never up this early._

As he came down into the Great Hall, Edwin almost collided with his father. Galen Odesseiron was humming cheerfully to himself and he was dragging a large and covered basket that was almost too heavy for him to move. The red rose he had stuck behind his right ear together with his wide smile and the manic glitter in his eyes created a highly disturbing impression. "Hello, son!" he chirped. "Come to help me spread some love and happiness?"

"Not really," Edwin said, privately thinking that he'd rather spread manure with his tongue. "What are you doing?" 

"Oh, just trying to make everything perfect for Lady Clara. She's the first lady up, you know. The matchmaking tradition is clear on the point, I have to try to make everything just so."

"Uh-huh. Where is she?"

"She's out in the gardens somewhere with your teacher. And it's such a lovely day too, I have very high hopes." Galen gave his heir a conspiratorial wink. "It wouldn't surprise me if we see an engagement before sundown. Master Dekaras certainly seems very taken with Lady Clara, totally absorbed by her, I'd say."

His heart in his mouth, Edwin ran out into the gardens, looking wildly about himself. _It couldn't possibly be true could it? Father must have got it wrong somehow. After all, he always does._ There was still that nagging doubt about enchantment spells though. 

After he had run about frantically for some time, Edwin finally heard his teacher's voice from behind a large rose bush. What it was saying made his blood run as cold as ice-water. 

"Your rosy lips, your silken hair, beguile my heart, oh maiden fair," the assassin was saying. "Truly, I had never known sweet love until our eyes met across that crowded room and my heart suddenly was pierced by the sweet pangs of that most tender of emotions." 

"Ooooh!" Lady Clara happily cooed. "More, please!" 

Whatever else Dekaras said Edwin didn't hear any of it, as he was seized by wild panic. _Oh NO! She has enchanted him, I knew this would happen, he would never say icky stuff like that to some girl if he wasn't under some sort of spell._ He tried peering through the rose hedge, but couldn't make out any details, except that the assassin and the woman seemed to be sitting on a bench on the other side, far too close together for Edwin's liking. 

_What do I do? What can I do? Should I go get Mother? But I don't know where she is._ Then he suddenly remembered what he had seen the Head Gardener doing when two cats got loudly and overly interested in each other last week. There was no reason to believe it wouldn't work on humans as well. Not stopping to think, Edwin ran off, firmly set on rescuing his teacher from revolting kissing-stuff. 

When Edwin returned a short while later he was already panting with the effort of dragging a very heavy bucket along with him. _Oh, I wish I knew some basic levitation spells_ , he thought. But he would simply have to cope anyway. Listening by the hedge, Edwin was pleased to notice that the couple was still in place. 

“You are certainly a pearl among women, oh fair one,” Dekaras was saying. “A bright light in the darkness, a shining beacon of…of purity and beauty.” If Edwin hadn’t been so extremely worried he would probably have noticed the boredom clearly present in his teacher’s voice, but as it was he remained as oblivious as Lady Clara. _This is it_ , Edwin thought, swinging the bucket back. _He’ll probably kill me afterwards, but at least he won’t have to get married to that evil enchantress._

He just needed to get some more speed into the bucket. Swing. Swing. Swing. He had deliberately made certain that the water was as icy cold as possible, even putting some ice from the enchanted cold room into it. _Right. Here we go._

SPLASH! 

There were approximately three seconds of absolute silence. Then there was a shrill scream, followed by the rapid patter of a pair of high-heeled shoes disappearing into the distance. 

There were a few more seconds of silence. No, not quite silence. This was more than the absence of noise. This was anti-noise, and it had a very real and tangible presence to it that made Edwin’s hair stand on edge. It gave him the eerie feeling of sharp fangs closing in on his throat.

Then there was a noise, though it certainly didn’t make Edwin feel any more relaxed. The noise in question was that of a throat being politely cleared, directly behind his back, and that carried all sorts of unpleasant implications with it. Slowly, slowly, like a puppet on a string, the boy turned around. _I’m dead._

Dekaras was standing right behind him, exactly as he had feared, and he was not in a pleasant mood. This might have had something to do with the fact that he was sopping wet. Ice water was slowly dripping off his soaked clothes and the tip of his hawkish nose, and when he spoke its temperature matched the tone of his voice exactly. “Well,” the assassin said, sort of rolling the word in his mouth, tasting it. “Wasn’t that an interesting experience? Tell me, boy, did you have a particular reason for your actions, or were you simply giving in to a latent desire to see me catch pneumonia?” 

“Um…I…” 

“Please do go on. I’m sure you have a fascinating explanation prepared.”

By now Edwin’s teeth were chattering as badly as if he had been the one subjected to the cold shower. “S-see…I…I was just thinking…”

“Really?”

“And…and I thought Lady Clara had enchanted you! You were sounding all gooey and talking kissy-talk and…and I th-thought you might have gone mad or something, and I was r-really only trying to help and…” Edwin trailed off. Somehow, the explanation didn’t sound all that good now that he was forced to speak it out loud. 

Dekaras snorted quietly. “Not quite mad,” he said. “At least not yet, though it was close.” He held up a book, transformed by the water into a sad and soggy mess. “Master Galen was kind enough to supply all the ladies with a vast supply of devastatingly brainless romance novels and…” He shuddered briefly. “And the worst kind of love poetry. Sadly, Lady Clara adores this sort of tripe. I have been forced to read it out loud to her for hours in order to keep her out of mischief.”

“Oh,” Edwin said, grinning sheepishly. “So the things you were saying…” 

“Were not my own words.” The assassin shook his head. “I am mortified that you would even suggest such a thing.” Then he frowned. “I heard you creeping about in the bushes of course, but I must say I hadn’t counted on the water. What was the reason for that?”

Edwin blushed furiously. “Well…the cats don’t like to get wet when they do that sort of stuff and I just thought…if you were enchanted it would snap you out of it and…” He raised his hands defensively. “I was only trying to help!” 

“Indeed,” Dekaras said, raising an eyebrow. “Kindly refrain from doing so in the future. Your brand of help seems likely to be the death of me, or at least the cause of profound embarrassment.” 

“Um…yes, Teacher Dekaras.” 

“Good.” The assassin turned around as if to leave, but then stopped. “Come to think of it,” he said, “I think we had better make certain you do not…forget yourself. The writing of some lines should suffice, I think.” He smiled maliciously. “I believe that the phrase ‘I will not mistake my teacher for a courting cat, nor for a plant in need of watering’ should do the trick. We will make it…two hundred times. Will that be enough to make you remember, do you think?” 

Edwin hung his head. “Yes sir.” 

“Capital. Now, be off with you. I still need to get some rest before I have to live through a ‘romantic’ dinner with Lady Clara…” 

By the time the dinner had reached the second course, Dekaras' already bad mood had worsened significantly. The main reason for this was that once she had dried herself, Lady Clara had recovered and latched onto him like a dog to a bone. The terrors of being forced to converse a woman who didn't seem to have a single ounce of brain in her head were compounded by the 'helpful' advice of Galen Odesseiron. The wizard kept 'accidentally' drifting by, offering suggestions about serenades, moonlight strolls, poetry readings and more, all of it entirely unasked for. And now they had reached the obligatory candlelit dinner, and things weren't getting any better. 

The table had been set out in the gardens, beneath the stars. It was a beautiful night, the sky resembling black velvet, the air warm and smelling of a thousand different flowers. A bright yellow moon hung low in the sky. The table was set with delicacies from all over Faerun, and Dekaras couldn't help but notice that they all seemed to have the certain common theme of being known aphrodisiacs. The oysters he could put up with, and he had a feeling there would be chocolate tart for dessert, but he refused to have anything to do with the hideous Object. The Object in question had been proudly presented to him by Galen, much like a cat might deposit a rotting rat on your pillow. It was thick. It was long. It had been fried to a golden brown colour, and it looked very crispy. _It's a…a…a horse's…or at least I think it must have belonged to a horse…does he honestly expect me to eat this?_

"No," the assassin said in a flat voice, pushing the plate with the Object aside. "Absolutely not. Out of the question."

"Aw, please try some!" Galen whined. The wizard was hovering over the table, resembling a waiter anxiously awaiting his tips. "I had it prepared especially, it wasn't easy to get hold of you know."

"I can imagine. If I had been the horse, I would certainly have been reluctant to part with it." 

The wizard winked. "Come on, old boy! There's magic here. Don't you want to become a rampant stallion?" 

Dekaras raised an eyebrow and gave his employer a cool look. "Why? For the pleasure of eating hay, sleeping standing up and relieving myself in public places? I think I will survive missing out on it, thank you so much. The answer is no." 

Pouting, Galen drifted off again, taking the Object with him towards its uncertain destiny. While this was a good thing, it also meant being left alone with Lady Clara, which was not a good thing. "So," Lady Clara said, fluttering her eyelashes. "Galen has told me all about you." She giggled. "And I do mean all. You must lead such an exciting life. And meet so many exciting people."

"I suppose so," the assassin said in a wary voice. "Though usually only very briefly."

Lady Clara leaned her head into her hands, sighing dreamily. "And all those exotic places you must visit…I would so like to come along and watch.”

“Watch?” Dekaras said, wondering if he sounded as incredulous as he felt. “I…hardly think that would be appropriate, do you? It is hardly some sort of…of spectator sport.” 

“Oh, but it is! And it just isn’t the same without the right sort of woman along,” Lady Clara said, her voice leaving no doubt just whom she considered to be the right woman. “It could be a perfect joining. I would inspire you to new heights of creativity, and make you think of new ways of expressing yourself that will bring you ever greater glory!” She smiled sweetly and made an annoying little baby-like giggle.

 _Such as killing you by strangling you with your own napkin_? Dekaras thought. Somehow he doubted that was what she meant. In fact, he was starting to get the impression that there was something very much wrong about this entire conversation. “Tell me,” he said, trying to keep his voice neutral, “exactly what is it that Galen Odesseiron has told you about me?” 

Lady Clara twirled one of her glistening golden-brown locks around one dainty finger, blushing faintly from her elegant neck to her shell-like ears, her big brown eyes moist with tender emotion. “Why…your great dark secret of course!” she cooed. “That you are in fact ‘Damian Debonair’, the mysterious creator of such great romance novels as ‘Carmarita’s Awakening’, ‘Lethal Kisses’, ‘Dulcinne And The Darkness’ and ‘Amorous Assassin’.”

 _Amorous WHAT?_

“Are…are you all right?” Lady Clara timidly asked. “Only, you got this look on your face…did you get a bad oyster?”

“Something like that,” Dekaras said, just barely managing not to snarl. _In fact, I feel as if I’ve just tried to swallow that…Object. Whole._

“Oh. Anyway, I thought that I could be your inspiration…you know, for your upcoming romantic heroines!” The girl giggled again, a sound that was becoming increasingly nerve-wracking. “I knew it was all true and that you were the man behind the pseudonym once I had you read your own works out to me earlier today. Only the real master could put such feeling into it, yet remain so unaffected. We’d have to get married of course, and I’d want to have my portrait on the covers…Galen thought it would be a lovely idea.”

“Oh he did, did he?”

Galen Odesseiron chose exactly this moment to turn up, grinning widely and carrying a large basket of red rose petals. “Everything all right here I see!” he said. “Ah, I can smell the romance in the air already.”

“Actually,” Dekaras said in a very cold voice, “the only thing I can smell in the air is part of a horse, deeply fried. Master Galen, we need to talk.” 

“In a moment, in a moment. It’s time to enhance the mood a little. Edwin, dear boy, come here.” 

Edwin came walking up to the table, smiling a smile that looked altogether too innocent for Dekaras’ liking. “Yes, Father,” he said. 

Galen patted the boy on the head, beaming. “Now, make sure to sprinkle the petals liberally, all right? Like a gentle rain. It’s all in the book. Go ahead, throw everything that’s in the basket!” 

Edwin’s smile widened as he reached inside the basket. Then it came out again, clutching something firmly that most definitely wasn’t a rose petal. The Object sailed through the air in a beautiful arc, striking Lady Clara full on the nose where it left a greasy stain, then sliding into her bodice. It might be said to resemble a gentle rain, if you had a very vivid imagination and if there ever had been a rain of partial horses. 

“EEEEEEEEEK!” the dainty lady screamed, feverishly jumping up and down to get the Object out of her dress, accompanied by Galen’s nervous tittering and Edwin’s loud giggles. Eventually she succeeded, and waved it about in Edwin’s direction, wild-eyed and with her hair in serious disarray. “You…you little fiend! You dreadful little beast!” 

This made Edwin laugh all the louder, to the point where he was almost unable to stand. 

Dekaras suddenly found the hysterical woman turning towards him, waving the Object beneath his nose in a very alarming manner. “You…you must take me away from here at once, my Love!” she said. “That horrid little creature…he will destroy your wonderful prose.”

It was then that the assassin saw his chance. “I fear, my lady,” he said, “that such is impossible. You see, I have plans to use him as the model for Dulcinne’s young son in my next sequel – you would have to interact with him daily in order to provide me with the proper inspiration. But I am certain you are willing to put up with that small inconvenience in the name of love.” 

Lady Clara looked at the still giggling Edwin, and turned very pale. Then she ran off, sniffling loudly and dramatically, clutching at her bodice as if expecting it to be ripped asunder. 

“Oh dear,” Galen Odesseiron sighed. “And she took the horse-thingy with her too. I had hoped I might be able to dust it off…”

“Never mind that,” Dekaras said, giving his employer a dark look. “Was there a particular reason for presenting me as the creator of tripe literature, except for causing me embarrassment?”

Galen raked his fingers a little nervously through his messy brown hair, but he was still smiling. “Oh, just thought it would interest her. It’s all in the book you know. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Time enough for truths after the wedding.”

“I see. In the future, you will not make me out to be a spinner of boudoir tales. Not unless you want me to turn my fancy to the creation of other stories. Horror springs to mind.” The assassin cleared his throat. “Edwin?”

The dark-haired boy was still laughing to himself. Now he became alert at his teacher’s word. “Whoa!” he said, sounding very happy. “Did you see how she ran?”

“Yes. Very droll, I’m sure. Tell me, did you put that…Object in there?”

Edwin shook his head vigorously. “No, Teacher Dekaras. Not me. Honestly. It was just there, and then I heard Father say to throw everything and…” He fell instantly quiet as the assassin raised a hand. 

“At least your aim is improving,” Dekaras said. “Well done. Very…dutiful.” 

Edwin beamed with pride. As Dekaras turned his head slightly to one side, he could make out the female form almost invisible beneath the shadows of the trees. She was leaning against one, and even through the darkness he thought he could see her smile, and her black hair falling in a glossy mane about her shapely shoulders. _As I thought. A true family effort, then._

Once both Edwin and Galen had left, one for bed and the other for further chaos-inducing matchmaking schemes, the assassin carefully and silently made his way through the shadowy garden. Elvira was still in more or less the same spot, and her dark eyes were giving him a highly challenging look. "Is there a problem?" she asked in a deceptively innocent voice, studying her exquisitely manicured red fingernails. 

"You might say that," Dekaras mildly said, leaning against the tree where the wizardess was standing so that he was leaning in close to her. The smell of her perfume was quite intoxicating. _No. Keep focused. Don't let her distract you._ "I seem to remember explaining that I can handle this situation by myself. I don't need to get rescued like…like some swooning maiden out of those nauseating stories I was forced to spend the larger part of the day reading." 

The wizardess gave a low and throaty chuckle that quite frankly was almost enough to make him forget that he was annoyed with her. "I agree that you aren't the swooning type," she said. "Or a maiden. But all the same I feel the urge to assist and make sure everything goes as it should." 

"And that is precisely the problem. I have already said that I am not about to get involved with any of those women. I would have thought that you knew me well enough to trust me by now." 

"I do trust you," Elvira said, her face sombre. "I would trust you with my life, and more. But I do not trust **them**." She clenched her hands into fists, scowling darkly. "I will not let those little vixens sink their claws into you. There are ways of getting to a male against which you would find it difficult to defend yourself. Enchantments…love spells…they could ensnare you and you would never know it. Well, if they try anything like that they will soon find out what a Horrid Wilting will do to their heaving little bosoms." 

"Don't be absurd. Why would they want to go to that much trouble?" 

At this, Elvira gave him a long, hard look, as if she was wondering whether he was making fun of her. Then her face softened, and she smiled, her eyes glittering. "You really have no idea, do you? And of course that is part of it, though some of them may also have more…practical reasons. Never mind. It is enough that you know that I will not let those…women…touch you. I do trust you to handle things, but if I feel it necessary I will not hesitate to intervene." She tossed her head and walked off, leaving a rather confused assassin behind. _Well_ , he thought. _At least number One is out of the way. Only four more. Hopefully the rest won’t be as bad._


	3. Chapter 3

**Day Two**

Next day it was raining heavily when Edwin got out of bed. The boy looked out the window to see heavy drops doing their best to make the garden resemble a lake. He grinned with satisfaction. _Great! No icky ‘romantic’ walks then, and no picking of silly flowers. And no need for buckets._ Edwin winced slightly at recalling the writing of those lines. If he ever did anything like yesterday’s stunt with the water bucket again he didn’t doubt that the punishment would be twice as severe. But that was then, and this was now, and he still fully intended to save his beloved teacher from the clutches of the ‘Bad Ladies’. He’d just have to be careful not to mess up. “At least I got rid of the sappy one with the stupid baby voice,” he told his stuffed bear. The black bear was sitting sedately on the bed, scratching its tummy, and its glittering eyes seemed to twinkle with amusement at the triumphant sound of Edwin’s voice. “You should have seen her run, Mr Bobo! We won’t see her back anytime soon! Not after getting that thingy in her face.” He giggled and tickled the bear behind one fuzzy ear, something that caused the enchanted toy to fall over with ecstasy. “Yes, I’m so good at this thing! The best, of course. I’ll get rid of the other Bad Ladies as well, you’ll see! They will all fear the awesome terror that is Edwin Odesseiron, the Marvelous Match-Unmaker! Yes, they will all fear me!” Then he gave the bear a brief hug and quickly pulled his clothes on. When he ran out of the room he still had a wide smile on his face. 

Edwin briefly contemplated going directly to find his teacher, but then decided against it. It would be far better to search out his Mother and ask her what today’s schedule was. She wouldn’t mind telling him, he knew that she hated this whole matchmaking thing. He found Elvira in her bedroom, where the wizardess was trying on jewelry, currently admiring a lovely ring decorated with a deep purple stone. “Hello dear!” she said, smiling. “Did you sleep well?”

Edwin nodded. “I dreamt about Lady Baby-voice and the horse thingy getting stuck up her nose,” he said, something that earned him a low and velvety chuckle, and his mother giving him an affectionate peck on the cheek. 

“Motherrrr!” Edwin protested, furiously wiping at his face. “That’s so gross!” 

“I’m sorry, dear,” Elvira said, her dark eyes very amused. “But I’m your mother, I’m allowed certain liberties that other females may not take. Anyway, you’ll change your mind when you get older. In time, you will even want to kiss some pretty girl.” 

“No I won’t! I’m not kissing any girls, ever! That’s just…ewwwww!”

“If you say so, sweetie. Now, take a look at this little trinket.” The wizardess held up her ring, and Edwin’s eyes sparkled in time with it. 

“What does it do?” he asked with fascination. “Can you turn people into frogs with it?”

“No. But it will stun even an elephant, allowing you to do all sorts of unpleasant things to it.”

“Why would you want to do bad things to an elephant?” Edwin asked, his forehead creased with worry. “Elephants are nice. They can play with you, and they can gore your enemies and stomp them to bits. Can I have one? Pleeeeease?”

“No you can’t, Edwin dear. No elephants. Anyway, that was not what I meant. I meant that you can incapacitate anything from elephant-size and below. Handy, don’t you think? It only lasts for a brief while, but that may be enough.” She smiled at her son. “Would you like to borrow it?” 

Edwin’s eyes were practically glowing as he eagerly snatched the magic ring from his mother’s fingers. 

“Have fun, dear,” Elvira said, and the way she smiled would have been enough to send many grown men running for cover. “Oh, and no need to tell your teacher that you have it. You will find him in the weapons room, I believe, along with one of the remaining…ladies. I think it would be a good idea for you to help out with the entertainment.” 

Dekaras, meanwhile, was as from being entertained as it was humanly possible to be. He’d thought that having to read romance novels to the previous Eligible Bachelorette was bad, but this was infinitely worse. Aurelia Moonstar had apparently taken full advantage of the wine that Galen had provided all the ladies with, and by now she was raging drunk. She had been unpleasant sober, now she was unbearable. 

Aurelia laughed a horrible, guffawing laugh at one of her own jokes. She had been telling them all morning. When faced with the rain, she had declared that for her own romantic day she wanted to be shown around the Mansion. It shouldn’t have been that bad under other circumstances, Dekaras thought. He knew the place inside and out after all. What he hadn’t counted on was the sheer…loudness of the woman. She made more noise than a herd of elephants, and her laughter almost made the walls shake. By now he was seriously concerned that he might go deaf before the day was over. Worse, the guardswoman had brought a bottle of wine with her, and she kept drinking from it at regular intervals. She was still able to walk straight, but her speech was becoming slurred. And then they had reached the weapons room, and her jokes had shifted from boring to hideously tasteless, most of them involving swords and sheaths. 

_It’s not just that they’re tasteless_ , Dekaras thought. _I’ve heard worse, like that one about the paladin and the priestess of Sharess that Poppy always insists on telling when she’s had too much to drink. It’s just that she tells them so extremely badly._

“…and then…then…heh heh…then he said: ‘Please pass me the stuffed mongoose and the Rod of Resurrection! HA! Get it? The…*chortle* Rod of Resurrection…” Aurelia wiped at her eyes, hiccupping loudly. Then she frowned. “Hey, cutie-pie! You’re not laughing!”

“Your powers of observation are truly astounding,” the assassin said. “And imagine that it only took you three hours to notice too.” _And if you call me that again I may just forget about the protection of guest right and gift you with a new mouth. One situated a few inches below the original one, and that will hopefully make you shut up_. 

Aurelia grinned, and as she towered over him it once again became obvious just how tusk-like her teeth were. “Ha! Bored with fancy talk, are you, snuggles? Well, that’s fine with me.” She advanced purposefully, her arms outstretched, lips pouting. “Care for a cuddle?”

“No,” Dekaras said, taking a step backwards and then another one, until he found himself backed up against a case of antique swords. “I most definitely don’t. You’ve had too much to drink; I think you should go lie down for a while. Alone.”

Aurelia grinned widely, her eyes glazed. “Ah, you’re just trying to play hard to get,” she said, licking her lips. “Don’t worry, I’ll still…*hiccup* respect you afterwards. If you do well, of course.” She leered. “So…short sword, long sword or maybe…even great sword? Let’s find out. If you wanna do the ‘shy’ routine I can always knock you about a little, that way you can say that you told me ‘no’…” She reached out her hand…

Then the guardswoman was sliding along the floor, the air leaving her mouth in a surprised ‘whoosh’ from having received a well-aimed kick in the stomach. She crashed into the wall, where six dwarven throwing-hammers became dislodged from the hooks they were resting on and came crashing down on top of her. “I said ‘no’,” Dekaras stated, dusting off his hands. “It’s really not that complicated a word. But just in case you need further explanations, it means ‘not interested’, ‘over my dead body’ and ‘I’d rather kiss a dead yak’.” He was relieved to notice that Aurelia was quite unconscious. _Pity it would cause a scandal if I killed her. But at least she’s finally quiet._

At precisely that moment he became aware of a noise on the edge of hearing, the noise of somebody trying to be quiet, but being too excited to really succeed. “You might as well come in,” he said, not turning around. 

“Wow!” Edwin said, his eyes very round and impressed as he stared at the prone guardswoman. “That was incredible! I was going to help, but you had already…can you teach me to do that?” 

“Possibly. But as a mage, you will have other primary forms of attack.”

“Yes, I suppose so…but it still looked really funny! Is she dead? Are you going to kill her? You are, aren’t you? I heard her, she was being really rude.” Edwin nodded sagely. “You should kill her so she’s really neutrali…nuttrializ…neutered…made safe.”

 _Neutering does sound like a pleasant idea, actually._ “I have a better idea,” Dekaras said, straining to pick up the unconscious guards woman. “Killing her would cause all sorts of unpleasantness. No, I think I will simply make it look as if she has been enjoying herself a little too much, which is the actual truth. You may come along, if you want. This might be useful for you to know.” 

Dragging Aurelia down into the Mansion’s wine cellar unnoticed proved strenuous, but not impossible, and pricking her with a sleeping dart made certain she wouldn’t stir. Once there, Dekaras unceremoniously dumped her on the floor, then gave the various bottles a critical glance. “None of the expensive years, I think,” he said, picking up a bottle of a decent but unremarkable wine. “She wouldn’t know the difference anyway.” 

“What are you going to do?” Edwin said. The boy was sitting halfway up the cellar stairs, watching with great interest. 

“Setting the scene. It’s all in the details, you see.” The assassin poured some of the wine over the sleeping woman’s face and clothes, and then poured the rest down the drain in the corner. He proceeded to do the same thing with another five bottles, leaving the empty ones lying around on the floor. “There we are. And now, to demonstrate how ‘seeing is believing.’” 

A short while later, a dismayed Galen Odesseiron surveyed the prone Aurelia. By now she was snoring so loudly that the wine barrels were shaking, and a long string of drool was leaking out of her mouth. She was more or less drenched in wine. “I say,” the wizard said. “This is awfully embarrassing, isn’t it? Looks like she’s been raiding the wine cellar.” 

“Yes, Master,” Dekaras said, not blinking. “It certainly does look like that.” 

Galen frowned. “What a shame. And here I was going to try out some more matchmaking tricks with her. But I guess I can save the kissing games for later.” He went on, oblivious to the cool look the assassin gave him. “Well, obviously we can’t have you marrying a drunkard, and a common thief as well.” A look at the assassin’s unmoving face made him stutter slightly. “Er…not that there’s anything wrong with thieves. But it would have to be an uncommon one of course. An extraordinary one.” 

“If you say so, Master.” 

“Yes…well, I’ll just make certain this lady is carted back to wherever she came from. And then, back to work! Romance doesn’t wait! Toodles!” Cheerful once again, the wizard bounded up the cellar stairs, clutching his robes. 

“Two down, three to go…” Dekaras murmured. “Just have to bear this a little bit longer…” 

Edwin gave him a curious look from his perch on the stairs, where he was sitting, his chin resting on his hands. “Teacher Dekaras?” he asked. “Won’t father simply bring in more ladies once these ones are all gone?” 

The assassin gave him an approving look. “An astute observation. However, you lack all the facts, and this has caused you to overlook something. Once a certain event occurs, I will make my own move.” 

“What move?”

“You’ll see. I wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise.” 

“Oh. Teacher Dekaras?”

”Yes?” 

“What was so funny about that joke about the Rod and the mongoose? I didn’t understand that at all.” 

A wry smile crossed the assassin’s angular face. “Actually, I’m afraid I failed to see the humor of that one myself. It might actually be termed anti-humor, due to its uncanny ability to remove every trace of mirth from a gathering.”

Edwin puzzled over this for a moment. “And I thought mongooses were rather small. How could it…” 

“Never mind,” Dekaras hastily said. “It is of no importance.” He gave the boy a considering look. “Seeing that I have been freed from any social obligations tonight, perhaps we should take the opportunity to check up on your dungeon crawling skills.” 

Edwin’s face lit up. “We’re gonna play Wizard In The Dungeon?” he exclaimed. “Great! This time I know I’ll get that Time Stop spell off before the lich does. And then I’ll get its treasure. Lots and lots of treasure. And spells…”

“Possibly,” Dekaras said as he started up the stairs, Edwin hot on his heels. “Possibly.” _And just to counteract that greedy streak, I think I’ll make certain that the lich’s hoard holds at least one non-beneficial magical item, just in case he thinks of trying them all out without properly determining their traits. A ‘Toad You So’ Ring should do nicely…_

**Day Three**

Dekaras was rather looking forward to the third day. At least he wouldn't have to put up with any of the Eligible Bachelorettes until this evening, when Lady Tarantella had requested his presence in the Odesseiron Family Crypt. Well, one of the Odesseiron Family Crypts. The main one was at the estate in Surthay, but the Pyarados one was pretty crowded as well. The Odesseirons had always been a numerous family, and one that liked spacious living quarters, even after the actual living was over and done with. Though why the woman should think that a crypt made an appropriate setting for a romantic evening he really didn't know. He wasn't certain he wanted to know. As it turned out, the events of the day were going to be quite taxing enough that he wouldn't have time to worry in advance. 

Galen was lying in wait for him as soon as he left his room that morning, and he didn’t have time to retreat back inside before the wizard pounced on him, a wide and amiable smile on his face. “There you are!” the wizard said, so excited that he could barely stand still. “I thought you were going to sleep all day. Now come on, there is much to do and far too little time to do it in.” 

Dekaras decided to firmly dig his heels in at this point. “No, Master,” he said. “I have had quite enough with reading love poetry and sappy novels. Enough is enough.” 

“No, no, that wasn’t what I was thinking at all! I was thinking about styling, you see.” 

“Styling?”

“Yes.” Galen beamed as he waved the dreadful Matchmaking book about. “You see, it occurred to me that maybe we need to create you a new image in order to find you a proper wife.”

“And what sort of ‘image’ would this be, Master?” Dekaras asked, fearing the answer. 

“Well, a somewhat more approachable one, if you must know. I mean, we already know that you have a heart of gold deep down…er…really deep down…but you need to show it more! Don’t frighten the poor girls off, present yourself as a real romantic hero instead. And the first step is proper clothing!” He made a flourish with his hand, and a Suit appeared in it. It was made from velvet. It had gold embroidery in the shapes of garish flowers. It was dripping with lace from collar and cuffs, and the pants were of the sort intended to fit very snugly indeed. In fact, Dekaras was quite sure that the only way one would be able to get into the pants would be to get poured into them. The suit was also a vivid pink, the kind of virulent pink that makes the viewer’s eyes scream for mercy. “Isn’t it perfect?” Galen trilled. “I got it straight from the book, from an illustration of Prince Charming.” 

Dekaras privately thought that if he’d had ‘Prince Charming’ in front of him at that moment, he would have taken great pleasure in stuffing the man in a barrel filled with nails, and then kicking him down a hill. To his credit, he didn’t wince, or moan. He had to fight to keep his face under control though, and he could feel the beginnings of a bad headache. “No,” he said. “No. Absolutely not!” 

“Oh, come on, man! The girls love it, the book said so!” 

“Which girls would this be? I’d like to know their names and addresses so I’ll know which streets to avoid. Spending time with the criminally insane is not one of my favorite pastimes.” 

“You’ll see,” Galen said, going on as if he hadn’t heard a word. “It will be perfect. And now for the cologne…” He took a glass bottle out of his pocket and started spraying a vile and sickly sweet substance into the air. Dekaras just barely managed to avoid getting it in the face, but the smell was still enough to make him cough violently. 

“What…is that?” the assassin asked, once he was able to breathe again. 

“Pink Passion! Not to worry, it’s ‘Pink Passion – For Men’.” Galen laughed, a sound reminiscent of an excited donkey. “Wouldn’t want other fellas to get the wrong idea, would we?” 

_I think I really ought to worry mostly about getting attacked by a swarm of amorous beesOr so I hope._

At that moment a delicate cough could be heard from a short distance away, and Elvira Odesseiron glided across the corridor towards the two men, her red dress trailing after her. “What is that terrible smell?” she asked. “And what is…” Then she caught sight of the pink suit, and when she looked up again her dark eyes were sparkling with mirth. “Oh,” she said. “I see. Please don’t let me interrupt, I’ll leave you to it.” 

She was just about to turn and leave, pausing only to glance across her shoulder. Dekaras really hoped he didn’t look as pleading as he felt, because that would have been an extremely pitiful sight. Still, the wizardess must have noticed something, for her face softened just a little bit. “Galen,” she said. “I really must advice against it. Trust me when I say this, a woman’s likely reaction to seeing Master Dekaras in this…outfit…would be amusement, not romantic outbursts. And the perfume is even worse.” Then she approached the assassin, her eyes narrowing. “Although I don’t know that he deserves any help, as ungrateful as he is for it. It would take a **very** special woman indeed to put up with him, and I just hope he knows it.” She smiled sweetly, a clear sign of danger. “In fact…I bet that he won’t be married at all, at least not to any of the ladies visiting us at the moment.” 

“A bet, Mistress?” Dekaras said. “How interesting. And your terms?” 

The wizardess put her head to one side as if she was thinking about something. “Well, I would love to see you in that pink outfit. So if you lose, and don’t get married, you will wear it for me in a private showing. And if I lose, and you do get married…” Her smile turned feral. “We’ll discuss that if it happens. If you dare, that is. But I’m sure you do, since you claim to be able to handle everything on your own.” 

Dekaras somehow managed to keep his face composed, but inwardly he was swearing loudly. She’d trapped him well, he had to admit it, and he knew it was her vengeance for him telling her to let him deal with the matchmaking situation on his own and not interfere. Of course she knew he wasn’t about to get married. But backing out now would make him lose face in front of Galen, and that was out of the question. “I agree,” he said, the horror of the pink suit looming in his mind. _But maybe…just maybe I can still turn that to my advantage._

“Good,” Elvira said, nodding. “Now, please go on with whatever you were doing. I don’t want to interfere…” She gave him a sly wink and sailed past him, chuckling quietly to herself. 

That same evening saw Edwin sneaking through the garden towards the Family Crypt. He knew perfectly well that he wasn’t allowed in there on his own, of course, but he wasn’t about to let trifling little details like that bother him or distract him from his mission. However, he also didn’t want his teacher to catch him following him about. To avoid that, he had asked his mother if she might lend him an invisibility potion. For study reasons, he had said. Elvira had given him a knowing smile, and then handed him the potion, with a careful reminder not to do anything she wouldn’t do. So that’s all right then, Edwin thought. I know Mother would approve of this. He also grinned widely as he recalled what he had spent the afternoon doing. The drawing he had slipped under Laeyne Ravonar’s door had been very vivid, and he didn’t doubt that it would get the message across. _That should spook her enough for her to leave us all alone. Teacher Dekaras will be so proud of me!_

The door to the crypt was unlocked, fortunately. Edwin carefully crept down the stairs, trying not to make any noise. The torches were burning in their sconces along the walls, so presumably Dekaras had already come this way. In fact, Edwin thought he could hear his voice from somewhere up ahead. The narrow corridor was lined with sarcophagi, all of them containing ancestors, and fortunately all of them closed. Still, Edwin couldn’t help but feel a little bit nervous. Somehow, this place seemed much darker and more unpleasant than that time when his mother had shown him around. _That’s just being silly_ , he scolded himself. _There’s nothing dangerous here. Just…just old bones in boxes._

He considered this for a seconds. _Except…except bones don’t always stay dead. Suppose…suppose one of the ancestors is really a ghost? Or…or a lich?_ The idea of a lich haunting a small crypt rather than seeking power for itself may not have been the most logical one imaginable, but at the moment it was small comfort. _After all…liches can go insane the same as people, can’t they? Mother spoke of that lich who got funny in the head and started living in the root cellar in the Dancing Dryad restaurant… But if the lich is an ancestor, it might teach me some neat new spells! Maybe some spells I’m not supposed to know! Maybe…maybe a demon summoning spell!_ He could almost see himself already, commanding the dread powers of the Abyss. Then he thought of something else. _Except…maybe the lich doesn’t like children. Maybe it doesn’t want anybody to come visit it. Maybe…maybe it will put some kind of terrible curse on me._

By now the boy was preoccupied enough that he almost didn’t notice that he had entered the main burial chamber. If it hadn’t been for the invisibility potion, he would have been spotted immediately. As it was, he instinctively flattened himself against the wall, choking off a gasp of surprise. 

Dekaras had had his suspicions about the designated meeting-place, figuring that perhaps Lady Tarantella was really a Necromancer after some spell components. However, the reality turned out to be very different. When the woman had entered the crypt on Galen Odesseiron’s arm, she looked much the same as the first time he had seen her. Flowing black dress with a cleavage that displayed a vast expanse of pale skin, and black lacy gloves that reached her elbows, as well as a lacy black veil across her hair. Her skin was powdered into a chalky white color, and there were painted dark circles around her eyes that were probably meant to make her look ethereal but really only managed to make her resemble a raccoon. The black lipstick set off her yellowing teeth beautifully. As for Galen, he was carrying a basket that seemed to contain a large bottle of sparkling wine, a box of chocolate, and a couple of glasses. 

“Such a lovely and romantic evening!” Galen chirped, a wide smile on his face. “I’m sure you’ll get on beautifully, but I’ll just hang around for a little while to make certain nothing goes wrong this time.” He sat down on a large sarcophagus with the nametag ‘Karnilla Odesseiron’, his legs dangling and kicking loudly against the sides of it. “Well, get on with it then, my dears! We have a schedule to keep here.” 

Dekaras watched Lady Tarantella with a certain apprehension as she honed in on him, black lips widening into what was probably meant to be a smile. “Ah, my Brother of the Night!” she sighed. “The time is come at last!” 

“Possibly,” the assassin said in a non-committal voice, circling around to keep a coffin between himself and the woman. “Though I must say, if you for some strange reason insist on thinking of me as your brother, I’m reasonably certain that we shouldn’t be involved in this…situation. Not unless you’re particularly keen on giving birth to a child with two heads.” 

“Ah!” Lady Tarantella dramatically exclaimed, pressing a hand against her bosom. “The time for evasion is part, my Lord of Darkness. I know the truth, there is no need for pretense with me, not with your humble and devoted servant.” 

_Lord of Darkness? Dekaras thought. Why doesn’t that make me feel the least bit happier about this whole situation? And why do I get the feeling that it isn’t my profession she’s referring to?_ “Pretense, my lady?” he said, side-stepping the woman once again. Her eyes were looking very intense. Obsessive, even. Possibly insane. 

“Of course,” Tarantella said, still with that hungry look on her face. “Oh, I understand about keeping up appearances. It is all part of the Great Game, after all, is it not? But I know. Have I not watched you from afar, learning all I could? Yes, I know what you really are, my Prince!” 

_Prince? And now what is she doing?_ Tarantella had opened her mouth, and now she was licking her lips lustfully, and then her teeth. The pinkness of her tongue created an especially odd impression next to the black lips. 

“Say,” Galen said, “this is going a little too slowly, don’t you think? But don’t you worry, Galen Odesseiron, Matchmaker Supreme is here to help! I’ve got about a dozen kissing games lined up, all of them lifted in the book.” He started leafing through the book eagerly, using his finger to trail the lines. He was also still kicking the coffin absent-mindedly. A rat ran out from behind it, squeaking with terror. 

_If I hadn’t taken an oath to never harm you, I’d give you the kiss of death you idiotic excuse for a wizard!_

Tarantella didn’t seem to need telling twice however. “Yes!” she cried out, thrusting her throat forwards. “Give me the kiss, the Dark Kiss! Bring me over the edge and into the savage jungle where the predators rule! I want the gift that is yours and yours alone to give, my Lord! Grant it to me and I shall be your slave…for eternity.” 

“I’m really not interested in acquiring any slaves,” the assassin said. “And definitely not for eternity.” 

“But…but my Lord! Surely you need minions, to serve you? Wait, allow me to show you how dedicated I am to darkness!” She threw herself awkwardly to the floor, just managing to catch the still scurrying rat by the tail, and then got to her feet with a triumphant smile on her face. 

“I…see,” Dekaras said, in the slow and reasonable tone people tend to use with lunatics. “Very nice. You could probably find employment as a rat catcher then.” 

Lady Tarantella pressed her teeth into her lower lip and her smile widened with anticipation as a few drops of blood trickled down her chin, almost as if she was expecting him to somehow react strongly to this display. “No, my Lord. I thought merely of the evening’s refreshments.” She was still holding the struggling rat in one hand, careful not to let it bite her. Now, she carefully slit its throat open with a small knife hanging from her belt, and then proceeded to pour the blood into two wine glasses. Having thrown the small corpse aside, she held one glass out for the assassin, and kept the other for herself. “See, my Lord?” She still was speaking in that intense, slightly brittle voice, and there was a small muscle twitching below her right eye. “The true Fluid shall have to wait until I have been initiated properly of course, but for now this will serve. You look quite pale, my Lord…I can see that you have been denying yourself and your true nature for far too long. Please, allow me to aid you!” Once again she thrust her throat out in his direction, sipping delicately from her glass.

Dekaras stared at the glass of blood that had been thrust into his hand, trying to work his mind around this latest development. “You think I’m a vampire, don’t you?” he eventually said in a flat voice, his face entirely void of emotion. “You actually think I’m a vampire.” 

“I know you are, My Lord!” Tarantella breathed, licking the blood off her lips. “I put all the clues together, all by myself. The way you look…and you always wear black…and there’s that air of darkness and danger…I know you go outside in the day sometimes, but that only proves how ancient and powerful you are!” 

“Actually, I’m feeling more ancient by the minute, simply from trying to deal with this conversation. And I am **not** a vampire!” 

“But…but I know you are. My Lord…I beseech you. All my life I have longed for the Gift of Darkness, to leave mortality behind and become one of the glorious undead. I shall make you a marvelous consort, you may depend on it, and you only need take my blood and bestow your kiss upon me.” 

“My…kiss?” 

Galen, still absentmindedly plowing through the matchmaking book, seemed to pick up on this. “Oh, jolly good!” he said, not raising his head. “That’s the spirit! Just plant a really deep, passionate kiss on those lovely lips, and things will take care of themselves from that on. I really wish I had my poor violin, it says here there should be violins playing when the happy couple kiss for the first time…” Boom, boom, went his feet against the hollow stone of the sarcophagus.

Tarantella ignored this. “Yes, My Lord!” she exclaimed. “The Dark Lord’s Kiss, the Embrace of the Grave, the Gift of Blood.” She wagged her finger playfully at Dekaras who by now was starting to wish that he really had been a vampire. In that case he would have had the option of turning into a mist and getting away from the madwoman that way. “I see you seek to test my knowledge. Very well, I will comply. First, you bite my throat, and suck my blood, bringing me to the very point of death. And then…once my naked soul stands trembling and shivering before your powerful gaze, at the very brink of death…then you will open your veins, allowing to partake of the powerful elixir that courses through your veins.” She was practically drooling by now. 

“Listen to me, you brainless ninny!” Dekaras snapped. He was still circling around to keep Galen and the sarcophagus between himself and the approaching Tarantella, but he was getting very tired of this entire situation. “You will stay away from my veins, and their contents, or I will open your throat, if not by kissing it. And I am NOT A VAMPIRE!” 

It was at this precise moment that the sarcophagus Galen was sitting on, and still absentmindedly kicking started to move. Or rather the lid did. It was violently pushed aside, throwing the wizard to the floor where he landed with a surprised gasp. And from the sarcophagus a woman rose. She was short, and round, and had a round and fairly kind face, if stern. Her white hair was done up in a neat bun on the top of her head, she had twinkling blue eyes and she was wearing a pair of neat little half-moon spectacles on the tip of her nose. The prim black dress she was wearing reached her ankles, and there was a modest amount of lace around the collar and cuffs. All in all, she looked very much like somebody’s kindly old Grandma. This impression lasted right up until the point where she smiled, and a pair of sharp white fangs became visible. Lady Tarantella gave a small shriek of terror at the sight of them. 

“Of course you aren’t a vampire, child,” the woman said, giving the assassin a friendly nod as she climbed out of her resting place. “But I am.” She paused to pick some cobwebs out of her hair with a disapproving little snort. “That’s descendants for you…does nobody bother to clean this place any longer? Nothing like in the old days, when my late Thaddeus was still alive.” 

Galen was getting to his feet, staring at the ancient vampire with his mouth hanging open. “Great Grandmother? Is that you?”

“Of course it’s me, stupid boy!” the tiny woman said, glaring at the wizard. “Are you implying that I’d let somebody else sleep with me in my own coffin?”

“But I…”

“And where have your manners gone? Kicking on my resting place, bringing your playmates in here, screaming and shouting…it could wake the dead, I tell you!”

“But…”

“You always were a worthless little runt, Galen Odesseiron, and I see you haven’t improved. Stand straight when I’m talking to you! You’re slouching again, I can’t bear slouching. And close your mouth before something crawls into it.” The little old lady vampire turned around, placing her hands on her hips. “Now, as for the rest of you young troublemakers…” 

Edwin, who had been watching the entire proceedings in his invisible state, feeling an increasing amount of horror, saw the vampiric ancestor approaching his teacher as well as the trembling and sobbing Lady Tarantella who was vainly trying to cling to Dekaras, and instantly leapt into action without thinking. “Don’t you dare touch him, you mean old bat!” he screamed, activating the magical ring his mother had lent him by twisting it around and pressing a certain spot near the stone. A bright blue beam shot out of the ring, striking Lady Tarantella in the back, and she dropped to the ground, stiff as a plank with a very surprised look on her face. 

Edwin stopped in the middle of the floor, arm still raised, and a rather feeble smile on his face as the still upright adults noticed him. “Um…hello?” he said, and tried to hide the still intensely glowing ring behind his back. “Er…Teacher Dekaras? I was just...I mean, I only wanted to ask you about my homework. See, I…er…I can’t remember if it was the Ghoul Touch spell I was supposed to read up on or the…the Vampiric Touch. And I thought I’d better ask you, because if I did the wrong one you might…might get…er…angry?” The look in his teacher’s black eyes made his voice trail off uncertainly. 

“Hello, little one!” the ancient vampire beamed, her cheeks dimpling. “And who might you be?”

“He’s…er…he’s my son, Great Grandmother Karnilla,” Galen said, bowing nervously and repeatedly at his ancestor. “A fine boy, wouldn’t you say? Say hello to your Great-Great-Grandmother Karnilla, Edwin, there’s a good boy.”

“Hmpf,” the vampire said. “He certainly is more resourceful and intelligent than I would have expected from any child of yours. I suppose he must get it from the mother. I’m frankly amazed that you managed to work out how to produce an heir in the first place. But never mind that.” She bent over the prone Lady Tarantella, poking her in the chest. “You! Girl! Want to become a vampire, do you? Don’t bother denying it, I could hear you. If you’re really that eager, I suppose I could give you the Kiss. Housekeeping is such a bother, even if you’re undead. I could use a fledgling to fetch and carry for me, to clean and to help me with cutting my toenails. Did you know that they keep growing after death? Thick as planks they are, and my poor back kills me when I bend over that far. Just shake your head if you’re not interested.” 

The stunned woman’s eyes were wide with fear as she remained immobile. “Oh good,” Karnilla said, brandishing her fangs again. “Eternal Maid Service, here I come…” Then there was a loud slurping sound. 

Edwin suddenly found himself picked up and carried up the stairs, too swiftly for him to see anything of what was going on with his vampiric ancestor. “Awww…” he protested. “I wanted to watch! I’ve never seen anybody turned into a vampire before…” 

“And you’re not about to do so now either,” his teacher told him as he put him down at the top of the stairs. “It’s not suitable for children. Which reminds me…just what are you doing here in the first place? I don’t recall telling you to do any practical research on ‘Vampiric Touch’.” His voice became deceptively mild. “Or perhaps you were also curious about whether I drink blood and sleep hanging by my toe-nails in some old attic? Or in a coffin, maybe?” 

“Um…see…I meant to…to check if…if the crypt had been cleaned. I wouldn’t want you to…to have to breathe a lot of dust and cobwebs and…um…stuff.” 

“How kind. And since you are suddenly so keen on cleaning, it occurs to me that your work desk, which was a sad mess the last time I checked, is going to be spotless and perfectly organized by tomorrow evening. And it will all be due to your own boundless housekeeping energies. Isn’t that so?”

Edwin opened his mouth meaning to say something about how the servants were kept for the exact purpose of cleaning, among other things, and then thought better of it as the assassin gave him a meaningful look. “Yes sir,” he said. 

“Look,” Dekaras said, in a much kinder voice. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate you trying to help. You did well down there. But if you keep this up you could wind up getting hurt. You shouldn’t even go near any vampires, even if they happen to bear the Odesseiron name.”

“But I didn’t know!” 

“No,” the assassin said, giving the stairs into the crypt a dark glare. The hurried footsteps of Galen Odesseiron could be heard coming up them. “No, you didn’t. And neither did I.” 

“Oh, there you both are!” Galen Odesseiron said as he came outside into the cool night air, wiping his forehead. “Dreadful business, simply dreadful.” 

“Yes Master,” Dekaras said, smiling in a manner that implied that he was feeling a strong urge to tear the wizard’s head off. “I found certain aspects rather disturbing myself. Such as the fact that you arranged a romantic encounter in a crypt inhabited by your bloodsucking Great-Grandmother, and then neglected to mention that little detail to me. I didn’t even know there was a vampire on the premises.” 

“Oh, Great-Grandmother Karnilla hasn’t been out and about for years and years. I can’t have been more than Edwin’s age when last she stirred. I’m afraid I’d quite forgotten about her. Still, no harm done, eh?”

“Except to Lady Tarantella, of course.”

“Dear me…” Galen frowned as he considered this. “D’you suppose there’ll be problems with her family?”

The assassin shrugged. “Possibly, but I doubt it. She has what she wanted, even if not quite in the way she wanted, and as a newly created vampire she will be under Lady Karnilla’s complete control. I suggest you ask your Great Grandmother to order her new fledgling to write her family a nice and explanatory letter. And I suggest you do it right now, before the toenail clipping gets seriously underway. I wouldn’t want you to choke on your own vomit. Meanwhile, I’ll see to it that the boy gets where he belongs. Into bed, that is.” As he hauled Edwin off, he muttered something under his breath that sounded like ‘three…’


	4. Chapter 4

**Day Four**

Edwin woke up with a wide smile on his face, remembering the events of the previous night. “Good morning, Mr Bobo,” he told his stuffed bear. “You should have seen that vampire lady last night…I’ve never seen a real vampire before, and she’s really my Great Great Grandmother, isn’t that the best thing you ever heard? She just leapt on that Bad Lady and bit her neck, and there was this really cool slurping sound…do you think it would be fun to be undead? It seems like fun.” 

The toy wrinkled its furry nose. Presumably it didn’t agree with this sentiment. 

“Oh, come on! I mean, I wouldn’t want to be an ugly zombie or a stupid ghoul or something, but vampires are different. Or maybe a lich. A really dangerous one with evil glowing eyes. Glowing eyes are awesome.” The small boy stood up in the middle of his bed, hunched up his shoulders and tried to make his nightshirt resemble an extravagant and presumably rotting mage robe. Stretching out his arms before him and curling his fingers up to resemble claws he twisted his face into what was meant to resemble the stiff grin of a fleshless skull. It made him look like he was having a bad case of constipation. “Thisssss place shall be your toooomb!” he hissed in as grating and evil a voice as he could manage. “All those who enter the abo…abbu…adobe….home of Evil Archlich Edwin Odesseiron will suffer eternal torment and agonizing pain!” Then his face suddenly fell. “Oh. That reminds me. If I don’t clean my desk Teacher Dekaras is going to be really put out with me.” 

The bear gave him a questioning look. 

“You’re right, Mr Bobo,” Edwin said, his voice determined. “Saving him from the last two Bad Ladies is far more important. I’ll just have to deal with it somehow.” He giggled. “You should have seen that picture I drew and stuck under the door of the one with the purple dress. When she sees that she’ll be so scared she’ll run screaming back home and never come back. Well, I guess I’d better go. I need to do some more Un-Matchmaking.”

Having once more received some information from his mother, Edwin learned that Laeyne Ravonar was next in line, and that she had requested for her rendezvous to take place in the Trophy Room. This just so happened to be one of the boy’s favorite places within the Mansion. Exotic hunting trophies of every kind lined the walls, from a tiny vorpal bunny to an enormous dire bear, a family of trolls, an umber hulk and many, many more. His very favorite was the large tiger, a beautiful beast with soft fur as bright as fire, and he had spent many an enjoyable hour riding on the animal’s broad back, pretending to be an explorer. It wasn’t just any old tiger either, it was a Dire Tiger and much larger and more impressive than the normal variety. Climbing on top of its back required using a badger and a wild boar as a sort of ladder. 

When he entered the room, there was a fire burning in the fireplace, but apart from that everything was quiet and still. “Hm,” Edwin said. “Looks like I’m early. But that’s all right. I’m patient. Very, very patient, just like a Great Wizard should be.” He sat down between the tiger’s enormous front paws, determined to carry out a silent vigil. Two minutes later he was already bored out of his skull. “I wish they’d show up soon,” Edwin told the tiger. “How am I supposed to display my awesome powers of Un-Matchmaking if they won’t show up? That just won’t do, you know. What do you think I should do this time, kitty? Maybe I could use a spell to make the Bad Lady…er…fall in love with a donkey or something. Except I don’t know any love spells, but it can’t be that difficult. Or maybe I could sick Mr Bobo on her. He only bites if he thinks I’m in danger, but maybe if I put bugs in her food, and nettles in her bed, and snakes in her shoes, then maybe I would be in danger.” 

“Or maybe,” said a cool voice directly behind his back, “you are in danger already. In danger of making me seriously annoyed, that is.” 

“Eeeep!” Edwin squealed, leaping to his feet so quickly that he banged his head on the tiger’s jaws. In danger or not, he was definitely in **trouble**. Dekaras was leaning against the tiger’s back, and the look in his eyes reminded Edwin uncomfortably of that great predator. 

“I seem to remember telling you,” the assassin noted in a conversational voice, “on more than one occasion, that there is no need for you to interfere with this Matchmaking thing. It worries me that your powers of recollection seem to have slackened so. Perhaps you need a daily dose of fish oil, I’m told that does wonders for your memory. Pity about the taste though, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make.” 

“I was only…” 

“You were only getting under my feet again, despite my telling you not to. This is complicated enough already, I don’t need you making it more so.” Dekaras gave Edwin a considering look, and then he smiled slightly. “On the other hand, it may be better if I know exactly where you are at all times. That should minimize your opportunities for getting in the way, and you may even learn something.” 

The boy’s eyes lit up eagerly. “Can I stay then? Can I? Please?” 

“Yes,” his teacher said. “But no interference, is that clear?”

Edwin nodded. 

“Very well. Now let me think of a suitable hiding place for you. Yes. This should do nicely.” The assassin picked Edwin up, and carefully placed him on the back of a large gorilla standing in a dark corner. “Just keep your head down and be absolutely still,” he instructed. “That should let you watch without being noticed. No noises, no movements. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” Edwin said. “I can do this, you’ll see!” 

There was an oddly pleased look in the assassin’s black eyes as he nodded in return, an expression of something that might have been pride. “Yes,” he said. “I know you can.” 

A few minutes later Laeyne Ravonar strode into the room, a dark scowl on her face. Once again she wore that bright red scarf about her hair, but she had replaced the glaringly purple dress with an equally glaring purple set of jacket and trousers, a loose white shirt and a pair of tall boots. “You!” she began without further preamble. “Aren’t you supposed to be somehow responsible for the behavior of that little menace of a child?” 

“To the extent that anybody can be, yes,” Dekaras said without changing his expression. “What has he done now?”

“Take a look for yourself! And then try telling me that little fiend isn’t some sort of evil mastermind in the making.” The girl waved a somewhat wrinkled piece of paper beneath Dekaras’ nose, and the assassin accepted it, unrolling it with an interested look on his face. 

_Whoops…_ Edwin thought. Suddenly his cunning plan didn’t seem quite as cunning as it had previously done. _Suppose he gets upset? Maybe I should try to explain? But he did say to stay quiet, and if I don’t…_

“I…see,” Dekaras said. His voice remained neutral, but there was a small twitch at the corner of his mouth that hinted that he was by far more amused than he was letting on. “Yes, he always has been fond of drawing. I think the gallows in particular looked very realistic, though the…victim…perhaps looks a little more cheerful than might be expected under the circumstances. And he forgot to draw you a nose, but that’s a fairly minor detail.” 

“IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?!” 

“Well, the purple is a very close match. And that vulture he’s drawn on top of the gallows really adds a certain something. And the writing is certainly to the point. ‘Go home Bad Lady or Face My Wraith.’ I think that should be ‘wrath’. At least I hope so, or else somebody has been bringing undead into the house without permission. And it is signed ‘A Friend.’ Hm. It’s a bit rough around the edges, but I’d say it’s pretty straightforward.” 

“Do you like it?” Edwin excitedly said, popping up behind the head of the gorilla. “Do you really like it? It’s good, isn’t it? Do you think I can really be an evil mastermind when I grow up? I’d like that, it sounds like fun.” Then he halted as he noticed Laeyne Ravonar’s look of fixed fury as she stared straight at him. “Oh. Er. I was supposed to stay quiet, wasn’t I?” 

“Yes,” Dekaras said in a toneless, rather weary voice. “Yes, you were. And yes, it was a good blackmail letter, but I suggest you leave that sort of thing to adults for now. Also, if you really want to be any sort of mastermind, I suggest you try developing an attention span slightly longer than that of a gnat.” The assassin turned to the still fuming Laeyne. “Is there really a point to all of this nonsense? You made it clear at our first meeting that you have no wish to get married to me, an unusual opinion that I find incredibly refreshing. And since I don’t want to marry you either, why not just leave it at that and we can both go our separate ways?” 

“It’s not that simple,” Laeyne said, tugging a strand of auburn hair back behind her ear. “My Uncle Rory is quite ruthless, as I’m sure you know. If he thinks I’m not playing for keeps, then he’ll most likely…” She made a cutting motion across her throat. “I’ll explain, but I can’t do it in here. Somebody might overhear us. Can we go outside for a bit?” 

Dekaras was just about to answer when the door banged open and Galen Odesseiron bounded into the room. “Hello, hello, hello, hello!” he chirped. “Isn’t it a wonderful day today? Of course any day is wonderful when I get the chance to bring two loving young hearts together.” 

Edwin couldn’t help but notice that neither of the ‘loving young hearts’ seemed particularly pleased. His teacher was leaning with his elbow on the stuffed tiger, looking down his long nose at the wizard with an extremely haughty expression, and as for Laeyne, she was grinding her teeth quite audibly. “Oh…just…just go kiss a walrus or something!” she growled. “We were in the middle of a conversation here!” 

“Ahahaha!” Galen brayed, wagging his finger at her. “Getting ahead of the game, aren’t you? Very frisky, but these things need to be organized properly.” 

“What exactly,” Dekaras said in flat voice, “needs to be ‘organized’? Master.” 

“Why, the ‘getting-to-know-you-better-game’ of course!” He gave the assassin a conspiratorial wink. “It’s a kissing-game. Helps get people into the proper mood, so it says in the book.” He waved the Matchmaking book about in the air. 

“Kissing-game?!” Edwin shrieked from his perch on the gorilla’s shoulders. “No! That’s….that’s GROSS! You can’t make him do that!” 

“Thank you so much,” Laeyne murmured, giving the boy an acidic look across her shoulder. 

As for Dekaras, he seemed about as enthusiastic about kissing-games as Edwin was, though he did a slightly better job of hiding his feelings. “No,” he said, making a cutting motion with his hand. “Under no circumstances will I participate in any ‘kissing-games’.” 

“Aw, come on!” Galen said, tugging encouragingly on the assassin’s arm in an effort to pull him into bodily contact with the sulky-looking Laeyne. “What chap wouldn’t leap at the chance to exchange hot kisses with such a lovely lady? Be a good sport now.” He paused. “Er…unless there’s somebody else you fancy? You can tell me in that case, setting up the wedding would be lots of fun even if I didn’t get to make the actual match…is there somebody else?” 

For once Edwin was faced with the unsettling experience of seeing his teacher look utterly trapped. “No,” he eventually said, staring fixedly at a point right above Laeyne’s right ear. “Not to mention, no.” 

“That’s all right then! Right, here’s the game! One of you asks the other a question, something personal and of interest, and if that person won’t answer the first person gets to kiss them. And that’s only the first round…” 

“Oh, by every prattling pirate parrot ever hatched!” Laeyne said, stomping her foot. “We can manage this without refereeing I think. As long as you leave us alone afterwards.” She took a few purposeful steps forward, and as Edwin watched with utter horror and revulsion she entwined her arms around Dekaras’ waist. “Just play along,” she hissed. “It’s the only way he’ll go away. Besides, I’ll get in bad trouble if my Uncle thinks I’m not making an effort.” Then she kissed the assassin full on the lips, and he was clearly too surprised to make an immediate protest. 

The door banged open. “There you all are!” Elvira Odesseiron said as she stepped inside the room, her red robes flaring dramatically behind her. “I thought I would…” Then she trailed off as she spotted the scene in front of her. Edwin hunched down behind the gorilla’s shoulders as he noticed his mother’s fists clenching and red spots appearing on her cheeks, both of them signs of imminent danger. She was starting to tremble, a vibration that gradually increased, creating an impression of a volcano about to erupt, and her black hair lashed like angry snakes about her face. As for her face, it had transformed into a mask of utter rage. “What,” she said, her teeth bared in a snarl, “is the meaning of this?” She had raised her right hand now, and mystical energy was crackling from it, angry red sparks leaping off her fingers. At any moment things were likely to start exploding. 

“Get out!” Dekaras snapped, his face very pale as he forcibly pushed Galen and Laeyne out the door, almost hurling Edwin after them. “And keep your heads down, whatever you do!” With that he hastily pulled the door shut, and Edwin just heard the bolt slide shut before the walls shook with a mighty tremor. It was followed by another one, and what sounded like crockery being disintegrated. He could hear his mother’s voice shrieking what were probably curses, but she was too inarticulate for him to make out any actual words. Smoke was pouring out beneath the door by now, and once again an explosion shook the walls and made plaster rain down from the ceiling like a snow storm. 

Edwin pounded desperately on the door, his heart in his mouth. _Got to get in! Got to get in now!_ Then Laeyne was pulling him away by the collar, ignoring the fact that he was kicking and screaming in protest. His father had already taken off somewhere, presumably frightened out of his wits. 

“Cut it out, kid!” Laeyne said. “You don’t want to go too close, you could get hurt.” 

“Leave me alone! I need to help!” 

“No you don’t! It’s too dangerous, anything could happen.” 

Just then the door blew apart, disintegrating into a thick cloud of sawdust. “See?” Laeyne said. “That could have been you.” 

Edwin ignored her, twisting free of her grasp and running for the door. Then he stopped on the threshold and simply stared at the scene of utter devastation inside. The larger trophies had been scattered about the room by the terrible force of his mother’s rage, the Umberhulk was missing its head, the giant Troll was a smoking ruin, the cabinet with all the stuffed pixies in glass cases had been reduced to splinters, there were large scorch marks on the carpet and the smoke hung heavy and black in the air. Fortunately the stuffed tiger seemed to be whole, even if it had a terrified expression on its face. Elvira Odesseiron stood in the middle of the room, her eyes glowing bright red with an Infravision spell. Her beautiful face was still twisted into a snarl, and she was tapping her foot against the floor, but the worst of her fury seemed to have passed. “Tripping me up like that was completely unnecessary,” she said. 

“On the contrary,” said Dekaras’ voice from somewhere within the dense smoke. “It was utterly necessary if I didn’t want to get burnt to a crisp. I’m sure you would have been very sorry about it afterwards, and I’d hate for that to happen.” 

“Hmpf. What about twisting my arm? It still hurts.” 

“Yes, well, at the moment you were threatening to send a Skull Trap up my nose, if I recall correctly. Somehow I suspect that would hurt even more.” 

“Ha! You know perfectly well that I would have missed. You’re far too good at dodging.” 

“Perhaps,” the assassin said as he appeared from within the drifting smoke. His clothes seemed a little torn here and there and his face was black with soot, but otherwise he appeared unharmed. “But I’d rather not take my chances.” He spotted Edwin peering around the doorframe and immediately his voice altered subtly, becoming more formal. “And I am certain young Edwin feels the same, Mistress, seeing that he has come to make certain we are both still alive.” 

“Edwin!” Elvira explained, and her face relaxed visibly as she smiled at her son, though the glowing red eyes still were a bit disconcerting. “There you are, darling!” 

“Mother?” the boy asked worriedly. “You aren’t going to kill each other, are you? You’re still friends, aren’t you?” 

“Of course, sweetie! Very good friends.” She gave the assassin a pointed look, which he met with a studied expression of polite indifference. “Your teacher and I simply need to discuss a thing or two, that is all. Why don’t you go play in the meantime?”

“If you would be so good as to accompany Lady Ravonar into the gardens,” Dekaras said. “I will join you shortly.” 

“Yes,” Elvira said, her smile looking very frozen in place. “We still need to discuss that, don’t we? Run along now, Edwin dear!” 

Once Edwin had gone on his way Elvira hastily raised a Ward of Silence where the door had been, as well as an obscuring illusion to ensure complete privacy. Her eyes were still flashing dangerously as she turned around, Dekaras noticed. “What was that you said about joining that little tramp?” she asked. 

“We need to keep up appearances,” the assassin said. “I’m not doing it for my personal pleasure, you know.” He gave the wizardess an appreciative look, taking in the enraged face, the glowing eyes and the lashing hair. Then he suddenly grinned at her. “I suppose this isn’t the proper time to tell you that you look lovely when you are furious? But then, you always do.” 

Elvira’s mouth worked soundlessly for a moment, and then she laughed, her expression softening. “Oh you…you are completely impossible, do you know that?” 

“Of course I do. Part of my charm.” His voice turned more serious as he took her hand. “You do know you can trust me not to betray you, don’t you? That you are the only woman for me?” 

Elvira nodded, actually looking a tiny bit embarrassed. “I know,” she said. “I reacted in the heat of the moment, when I saw that disgusting little hussy draping herself over you and touching you and…” Her fingers were starting to twitch again, and her eyes were narrowing. 

“Yes,” Dekaras hastily said, “well, it wasn’t entirely her idea. Or mine. I think I had better start explaining from the beginning…” 

“Yes,” the wizardess said in a flinty voice. “I think you’d better.” 

A short while later Edwin was pacing back and forth along the rim of one of the fountains in the Mansion gardens. Normally this made for a good game, since you had to dodge the water sprayed from the mouths of the rampaging demons that made up the central statue, but right now he didn’t care if he got wet. “You don’t think they’ll really fight, do you?” he asked Laeyne for about the fiftieth time. “Only, Mother looked really angry…” In his worry he had completely forgotten about his previous resentment of the woman. If she had no plans on marrying his teacher, then she was all right. And besides, she had been keeping him entertained by telling him an exciting story about an evil zombie pirate searching for a fabled treasure. Being a pirate sounded almost as good as being a wizard, particularly if you could be undead to make you extra scary. And you’d get to go ‘MUAHAHAHAHAH!’ which sounded very promising. 

“Don’t worry,” Laeyne said, brushing her auburn hair back. “I’m sure they’ll work it out.”

“Of course we did,” said Dekaras as he walked out from behind the ugly fountain. 

“You’re all right!” Edwin said, smiling broadly. “I was kinda worried.”

“More like ‘hysterical’” Laeyne murmured. 

The assassin shrugged. “I’m perfectly fine.” He smiled slightly at Edwin. “Your Mother is a temperamental woman, but she wouldn’t actually try to harm me. And even if she did, I’m extremely good at dodging. No, she simply got a trifle upset, that is all.”

“A trifle upset?” Laeyne said in an incredulous voice. “That was ‘a trifle upset’? I don’t want to see her furious then. And what did she get so angry about anyway?”

“Well,” Dekaras said, “she values my services and doesn’t really want me to get married since that might mean she’d lose them. This whole Matchmaking thing is really Master Galen’s idea, not hers. So, when she walked in on that kiss she feared the worst.” 

“I see,” Laeyne said, frowning. “Right. Let’s get back to what I was about to say before we got interrupted then. I think I was speaking of my Uncle Rory.” 

“The fat old jerk with the brains of a body louse!” Edwin helpfully piped up. 

“That’s the one, yes. I don’t like him much myself. He’s my late mother’s brother, and unfortunately he’s my legal guardian. We can’t stand each other, and what’s worse, he wants to get his hands on the money my mother left me. You see, my father wasn’t a wizard at all, he was a mighty pirate known as Greenbeard.”

“Why green?” Dekaras asked. 

“An accident when he tried to dye it blond, I’m afraid. Anyway, he wanted me to become a pirate, just like him, and that’s what I want as well. Mother was afraid I might change my mind though, and become all sappy and fall in love with some man. In her will she set things up so that if I marry anybody but a powerful pirate I lose the money. Same happens if I marry without having become a pirate myself, with my own crew and ship. And if I turn thirty without having set foot on a pirate ship. And guess who gets it instead?” 

“Your uncle.” 

“None other. Now you know why he’s so keen on marrying me off to you. He figured it’d annoy you, and since you’re no pirate I would lose my inheritance to him. I couldn’t simply refuse to come here either. If I did, he swore he’d lock me up in our dungeon until my time ran out. Do you see? I had to play along and pretend to want to go here. It was my only chance to get out of that house. He’s a powerful wizard, I can’t fight him. At least not yet.” 

“I see,” Dekaras said. “It does sound like Ravonar’s style. And I suppose he will also act against you if you get turned down for marriage?”

“Yes. You see my problem? I’ve been thinking of running away from here, but I have no place to go.” 

“I wouldn’t say that,” the assassin said, looking rather pleased with himself. “I have a few contacts, you see. I believe something satisfactory may be arranged. You’ll have your pirate ship yet, I’ll wager. We just need to take a little walk to meet some people I know…” 

Pyarados was situated on a large river, so it had a port of its own, even if it wasn’t one of the largest in Thay. It was here that Dekaras led Edwin and Laeyne. Edwin found the docks an incredibly exciting place. There were plenty of river barges and some larger ships as well, since the river was wide enough to allow them passage this far. Some were merchant vessels, but there were others as well. Sleek, hungry-looking ships with names like ‘Reaper’ or ‘Sea Devil’ or ‘Ocean Urchin’. Goods were being loaded onto and off them, bales of cloth, barrels of wine or grain, boxes of exotic-smelling spices. And the sailors were everywhere, men and women with rolling gaits and skin as tough as old leather. 

Dekaras headed for a dark and grimy little tavern named ‘The Dead Parrot’, with a sign made up of exactly that, a dead parrot, rather badly stuffed. Inside there were a few scratched tables stained with rum and what was probably blood, at which a few scruffy looking people were busy drinking themselves to sleep. A couple of others, pirates by the look of them, were throwing knives at a lifelike painting of a sea monster.

“This shouldn’t take too long,” Dekaras said, walking towards the bar. Behind it an enormous ogre was hunched down, green and warty, with protruding eyebrows and large yellow tusks. It was wearing a stained apron and using it to smear the grime around over a glass. “Mr Splatter!” the assassin called out, smiling at the horrible creature. “It has been far too long.” 

The ogre blinked slowly, and then its face split in a terrible grin. “Master Dekaras! So it has, so it has! What can I do for ye? Some grog maybe? We’ve got the best sort in, burns clear through yer tongue.” 

“Thank you, but no. I’ve come seeking employment.” 

“Ye?” Mr Splatter said. “I thought ye were happy working uptown? ‘Sides, you’re not that fond o’ ocean travel, are ye?”

“Not me. This young lady.” Dekaras indicated Laeyne who was watching the ogre suspiciously. “She wishes to become a pirate. I thought you probably could think of a suitable captain for her.” 

“Aye, p’rhaps…” Mr Splatter bent forwards across the bar, creating the impression of a falling mountain, and his yellow eyes fixed on Laeyne. “A pirate, is it? Prove it.” 

“I will,” Laeyne said, placing her hands on her hips. “Any way you want.” 

“Right…I’ll want three things. A proper pirate insult. Something with a sting to it. I want to see ye drink a mug o’ me finest grog and walk away afterwards. And I want to take a look at yer swashbuckling skills.” Still grinning, the ogre took out a wooden mug and poured a hissing and steaming liquid into it. Then he took out a rapier from beneath the bar and handed it to Laeyne. “Ye may begin when ye’re ready.” 

“Right,” Laeyne said, smiling dangerously. “You’ve got a deal.” Grasping the mug, she poured the contents down her throat, then belched so forcefully that a foot long blue flame streamed out of her mouth. Mr Splatter had to dodge in order for it not to scorch his hair off. The girl grabbed the rapier, leaped onto the bar and brandished her weapon challengingly. “Watch out, you scurvy sea dogs! Try to touch me and I’ll skewer you all!” Three pirates cheerfully took her up on her offer, and rushed towards her, swords drawn. 

There was a flurry of movement, and then the three pirates were lying on the floor, their trousers sliced clear off their bodies. Laeyne was still standing on the bar, a triumphant smile on her face. “Insult away, puke face!” she told Mr Splatter. 

The ogre nodded. “When I’m through with ye, ye’ll be crawling off te protect yer smarting backside!” 

“No, I’ll be walking proudly, in boots made from your ugly hide!” 

Mr Splatter clapped his hands. “Good one! Yer face looks like a monkey with the pox!” 

”And your face looks like a monkey’s shriveled rocks!” 

“Oooh hoooh!” the ogre exclaimed. “Good work girlie, good work. One more. I’ll thrash ye so soundly ye’ll be screaming with pain!” 

“I’m screaming already, from chatting with a man with no brain!” 

“HAR!” Mr Splatter roared. “Yer a true pirate girlie! Meant to be one! What’ll yer pirate name be?” 

Laeyne thought for a second. “Laeyne the Bloody, I think. I’ll think on it.” 

“Fine name. Very fine. Let me introduce me to a suitable cap’n.” The ogre lumbered out into the backroom, and when he came back he had company. A thin and spindly pirate with a fringe of graying hair and a wooden leg gave Laeyne a kind and slightly befuddled look. 

“Hello, my dear!” the old pirate said. “I am Mulcifer Boggleforpin, scourge of the seas. I’m told you want to join my merry crew?” 

”Well…” Laeyne said, looking rather skeptical. “I’m…” Then she fell silent, standing at the second stranger approaching. This was a slender young man with tousled golden curls, a handsome face, deep blue eyes and a shy and admiring smile. “Who…who’s that?” 

“Who?” Mulcifer said. “Oh! That’s my son, Newton.” 

“Hello!” the young man said, not taking his eyes off Laeyne. “I’m…I’m Newton Boggleforpin, and I work on my father’s ship, until I can become a mighty pirate, just like him. Gosh, are you really gonna join our crew?” 

“YES!” Laeyne almost screamed, grasping Newton’s hands. “OH YES!” 

Once the contract had been negotiated it was time to say farewell. “I cannot thank you enough,” Laeyne said, shaking Dekaras’ hand. “Hope things work out for you.” She gave Newton a dazzling smile. “Funny…never thought this whole Matchmaking scheme would really help me find True Love.” 

“Happy to help,” the assassin said. “And I think true love may be found in the most surprising places. Come along now, Edwin. We need to get home.” 

“Uh-huh…” Edwin said, grinning at Laeyne with a bedazzled look. “Miss Laeyne. I just wanted to tell you…well…kissing stuff is still gross, but if I ever did go crazy enough to want to marry, I’d marry a lady who’s at least as good at insulting as you are!” 

“That,” the pirate woman said, “is one of the sweetest things I’ve ever heard.” She then proceeded to kiss the struggling boy soundly on the cheek while giving him a suffocating hug. 

“Careful now,” Dekaras said, his face betraying not the smallest hint of amusement. “You wouldn’t want his mother to see that…”

Sometime later Edwin was once again following his teacher through the tall gates to the Odesseiron Mansion, feeling pleased with the latest development. Apart from getting kissed of course, but he had mostly managed to make himself forget that by now. “This’ll all be over soon, won’t it?” he asked. “There’s only one more of the Bad Ladies left.”

Dekaras nodded. “So it would seem,” he said. “But I’ll also need to take some steps to ensure that Master Galen doesn’t drag any more of them home. I believe I’ll see to that as soon as I’ve seen you home.” 

“My, my. Somebody seems eager to avoid me.” Lady Ylva Grauben stepped out from behind a tall tree, smiling faintly. There was something odd about her, Edwin thought. Something he hadn’t noticed before. Surely her face hadn’t been that elongated earlier? And there was something else as well… 

“My dear lady,” Dekaras smoothly replied. “What a dreadful thing to suggest. You must excuse me for now, I believe your designated day doesn’t start until tomorrow.” 

“Oh, but I am very eager. And you don’t seem to be too busy.” Lady Ylva’s face hardened a little. “Where is Laeyne Ravonar?” 

“I haven’t the faintest idea.” 

“No? But the estate guards said you left in her company. Where is she now?”

“I believe,” the assassin said in a dry voice, “the usual term is ‘off to seek her fortune’. She won’t be joining us.”

“She won’t be marrying you then, I suppose?” Lady Ylva toyed with the broad pearl collier around her throat, twisting it a little. In the falling twilight her face was obscured by shadows, but her eyes were glowing with a faint golden light. 

“I think that’s extremely unlikely, since she seems to have fallen head over heels in love with a young pirate of my acquaintance.” 

“A pirate?” Lady Ylva laughed heartily. “Oh, that’s priceless! That will really tick him off!” 

“Him?” Edwin asked, fearing the worst. “Him who?”

“Why, my employer of course!” The blonde woman bared her teeth in a broad smile, and to Edwin’s eyes they were looking more like fangs by the moment. “Rory Ravonar. I believe you know him.” She winked at the assassin. “He doesn’t like you at all, you know.” 

“I’m heartbroken,” Dekaras said. “What do you want?” 

“Well, I’m the back-up plan, you see. My employer really would have preferred to see you saddled with his niece, he was sure you’d make each other quite miserable. But if that didn’t work, he’d be satisfied with your death instead.” By now her ears were definitely more pointy than before, and her eyes were glowing even more fiercely than before. “I did warn you about my currrrrrse, didn’t I? Preparrrrre to die!”

“I think you’re making a very bad mistake here. And I also think you would do well to look behind you.” 

“Ha! I’m not falling forrrrr that old trrrick!” Bones twisted and snapped, fangs elongated, fur sprouted, and within seconds Lady Ylva had been replaced by a hairy, snarling werewolf. She crouched down, prepared to leap – and then she howled with pain as a beam of bright light struck her and her form dwindled away into nothing, leaving only a few motes of dust behind. 

“That should teach you, you good-for-nothing tramp!” Elvira Odesseiron said triumphantly as she blew some smoke off her fingertip. “You won’t be sniffing around on my territory anymore. I don’t care if your family complains, that was self defense.” Then she gave Dekaras an accusing look. “And don’t you dare tell me that I shouldn’t have helped you out. I knew you could have taken her out, but suppose she’d managed to bite you? I wouldn’t want to have you howling and behaving like a wild beast.” She paused as if she’d thought of something. “At least not literally.” 

“Thank you, My Mistress,” the assassin said, bowing. “I take it that also means you’ve decided not to try to leash me in the future?” 

A wicked glint crept into the wizardess’ dark eyed. “I suppose so. If you think you can manage to behave…” 

The following day Galen Odesseiron was feeling very confused. All of his potential brides seemed to have disappeared. He’d have to try to find some new ones. But where? They didn’t grow on trees. _Hmmm…trees…maybe I should take up gardening? That seems very interesting…but I need to finish this matchmaking thing first. Plenty of girls out there…_

His thoughts were interrupted by a loud knock on the door, and then his wife entered, Edwin trailing after her. “Galen,” she said without preamble. “I believe you will be happy to learn that Master Dekaras has found a prospective bride and will no longer be in need of your services.” 

“He has? Golly, really? Who is she then? Anybody I know?”

Before the wizardess could answer the door swung open and Dekaras entered, looking utterly serious. A female figure was walking by his side, which wasn’t so remarkable in itself. The odd thing was that the woman only barely reached his thighs. She was a halfling, with a round and cheerful face, bouncing brown curls, red cheeks and mischievous eyes. The contrast to the tall and somber-looking assassin next to her made them a very odd pair indeed. “Hi!” the halfling chirped. “Pleased to meet ya! Gee, this sure is a big house! Say, how come you’ve never invited me here before, Dek…”

“Because,” Dekaras interjected, “I care for my sanity.” He nodded to Galen. “Master Galen, I would like to introduce Poppy to you. My…darling fiancée.” His mouth twitched a little as he said that. “She only just got home from a…job…and that is when we decided that we had loved each other all along.” 

“That’s right!” Poppy said. “We’re like…like that!” She tightly embraced Dekaras’ leg, ignoring the assassin’s attempts to pry her off. “Isn’t he adorable? Isn’t he just the sweetest, cutest little snuggly-wuggly you’ve ever seen? I certainly think so, and I’ve known him since he was this tall!” She indicated a distance very close to the ground. 

“Yes,” Dekaras said, his smile looking rather frozen in place. “Thank you so much for bringing that up, Poppy.” He turned to Galen again. “Anyway, I am sure you are aware that halflings come of age later than humans do. Alas, this forces us into a long engagement. Very long.”

“Er…how long?”

“Don’t worry, Master. I’ll let you know with a decade’s advance notice or so.”

Poppy was grinning broadly. “I thought little Eddie here could carry my flowers for me. And I’ll want a really pretty dress, remember that you owe me that.” 

“Yes,” Dekaras said. “I know exactly what I owe you.” 

“So, now that we’re engaged and all, aren’t you gonna sweep me off my feet and kiss me and carry me off in your strong embrace?” Poppy was almost laughing openly now. “That’s how it’s supposed to go, isn’t it?” Five seconds later she was being hauled out of the room, carried across her friend’s shoulder, waving cheerfully. “That’s more like it, Dekkie! We’ll save the kissing for later if you’re shy…” 

“Right,” Galen said, feeling even more confused than before. “I suppose that settles that.” 

“Yes,” Elvira answered him. “Except for one thing. I won my bet against Master Dekaras, you know. Which means he owes me an appearance in that pink suit…” 

Late that evening Elvira Odesseiron entered her dark bedroom, humming softly to herself. Once more, everything was right with the world, and soon it was about to get even better. “Ready or not, here I come!” she called out, knowing that the Silencing Wards would allow her to do as she pleased this evening. Then she waved her hand letting a faint red light shimmer in the air. She turned her eyes towards the magnificent bed and felt her mouth drop open with surprise. Her lover had indeed put on the terrible pink suit. Except not all of it, and except it was no longer pink. Somehow he had managed to pick out the gold thread and dye it a deep black, which utterly altered its appearance. For one thing, he’d left the jacket open, and he obviously wasn’t wearing anything under it, leaving her with a tantalizing view of his chest. For another thing, now that the pants were black rather than pink it became very obvious just how snug they were. The assassin was sprawled across the bed, looking extremely relaxed and smugly pleased with her reaction. “Mistress,” he said, looking her straight in the eyes. “I am reporting to you as requested.” He shifted about a little, something that made the wizardess swallow heavily. “I hope you will forgive me for taking the liberty of applying a little black cloth dye in order to make myself more presentable while still honoring the spirit of our agreement.” 

“Oh yes…” Elvira said, her voice hoarse. “Anything you say…” She let her robe slide from her shoulders and drop to the floor, and now it was her turn to take pride in the elicited response. She didn’t pause long to dwell on this however, but slid onto the bed instead, letting her carefully manicured hand glide along her lover’s chest in an eager caress. When he responded in kind she felt her entire skin tingle with fierce pleasure. _Mine…all mine! And nothing is going to keep us apart!_

A little while later it became necessary to take a break to breathe, and that’s when Elvira suddenly thought of something. “My Wolf?” she asked, pushing her heavy black hair back over her shoulder to cool herself. 

“Hmmm?” 

“What do you suppose we should do about Rory Ravonar? He did try to have you killed, or worse married off to that dreadful girl. He deserves a bloody vengeance for that.” 

“Already dealt with that,” her lover said, and he sounded very amused. “You see, there is a real matchmaking agency in town. I simply made a forged request from him to have them send some promising candidates over. They’re very good, they can handle even the most exotic of requests. I thought it would be suitable to have the delivery arrive right when Ravonar is having his weekly meeting with the Tharchion, to discuss his orders, don’t you agree? And somehow I doubt that the appearance of ten tutu-wearing Glabrezu shouting ‘Who’s been a naughty boy?’ is going to improve Ravonar’s standing amongst the Red Wizards.”

Elvira laughed contentedly, nuzzling her lover’s neck. “Ah, my Wolf, I adore it when you’re being bad. It’s a good thing you love me as much as I love you, for I’m never letting you go.” Her smile turned feral. “I’ll deal with any other female who tries to claim you, that I swear. Remember, in any wolf pack there can only be one alpha bitch…and right now she’s of a mind to make you howl.”


End file.
